Kadang bila aku kata aku okay. Buat2 relax. Laugh and smile it off. Say things lightly like im matured enough to forgive, strong enough to get over it........
Honestly, honestly deep down inside, i kinda feel like im totally faking it. Its all a show pretense of how i WISH for it to be. When reality is, i haven't forgive. I haven't let go. Why? Because the thought of it still hurts. Things that pass by that has anything to do with it still give me chills. Tachycardic. It lingers around like inhaling toxic gas. Heavy on the chest. Angry and rasa nk menyumpah. Tak puas hati.
And i, am embarrassed to admit this. Yet i feel like i need to get it out. Yet i cant afford to be the loser again by showing my weakness...again...but then i feel it suffocating...yet..fuuh faham tak?
His mother sometimes call and i get irritated. I havent been answering her calls..for a year. Oh my now tht i think about it its almost a year. Time flies fast. But i...am still stuck in that same pain from then, i guess. I promised her a lot. I hope i get to still keep those promises. But as for now, i desperately need to sort things out.
Am i making this up? Am i like habituating to a depressive mood or something i dont know. I do wish to not feel this way. I want to actually really deep down "mean" my silence, my smile, my words of letting it all go and forgiving.
Sumpah aku bersyukur sgt it reached an end really. I wouldn't have asked for it to turn out as other than this. I love myself, regard myself more and i do deserve better. Yes. This is all my saviour. Aku pun tak hingin lah serious dgn tettt mcm tu. Nak sebut pun tak sanggup.
Tapi kenapa hati aku still tak sedap?....bencinya. sakit hati. Kat si tettt tu satu. Kat diri aku pun satu. Bengang dgn diri, this stupid weak self of mine to allow these to happen, twice, at that. Kesian really i pity this pitiful self..its like a dark heavy taint on the inevitable past im force to carry as i move forward. I hate it. The thought of it. Being betrayed. Fooled. Lied to. Trampled on like im worth so little as to nothing. Treated with no tiny bit of appreciation nor fair regard as an old time friend pun. Not showing any remorse nor guilt AT ALL after all and brazenly leaving without a word. Kurang ajar. Piece of trash.
Aku. Tak tahu lah mcm mana skrg married people go through divorce, forced into poligamy, how women handle their cheating low life husbands, vice versa. The trauma, their bruised broken hearts. Takutnya dgn masa depan. The fact that this is how the world works, you live among people and youre suppose to attach with any one person so called your "other half"... fear at having to give in and commit and trust again and then......lying cheating bullshit happens. God.
That image of me 5 years back, that memory, of pleading so much from the bottom of my aching heart to not be abandoned....... and then a year back, the foolish me who is idiotically, pathetically, "kind" enough to muster the courage and give it another chance again.....only to be...
haaaaah........
What humiliation.
The shame. To even face yourself.
**exhaling heavily**
**swallowing things down**
No. I dont ever want to go through that again. Please. God.
God. I. Really. Only. Want to rely and be enough with myself. I wish to have control on myself. To Prioritize. And make the right decisions. To never compromise with any less. To abide by the limitations You've set up for us human beings. To give and show You the best of us no matter what comes in our way.
To love at a point.
To let go at a point.
To forgive at a point.
To love myself first.
To learn to love You, above all.
To learn and learn. Falling and getting back up.
To aim, prioritize.
And grow forward nevertheless.
I hope.
