Erk.

Cuak giler nak pegi oral exam. Nervous sampai sakit perut loya nak termuntah bagai you name it. Last minute study so cannot afford to sleep mind was so saturated. Sekali tengok2 doctor tanya soalan ala2 tadika. Erk. Yg sedihnya soalan tadika pun tak leh jawab elok2. Doctor cakap "excellent2", oh kite pun layan la syiok sendiri jawab. On the way balik fikir balik pergh banyak gillerr aku cakap salah. Rasa kene troll dgn doc!! Ish!!

I hate this feeling! Should have answered properly and not to undermine myself so much so that I can give what I actually studied for so that it will be a fair hearing. Hadoi. Ni tak buat muka blur gelabah doctor pun acah2 je tanya. Pastu bajet gelabah lagi mind tak clear utk jawab. Padahal its all in here!!

Hahaha. Huhuhu. Hihihi. Ho. Haa. Hmmm. Nak sedih ke nak gembira. Nasib baik dapat doctor senang. Nasib tak baik jugak bila soalan senang pun confusee nak jawab.

Rasa cam sbb kurang berkat...sape suruh study last minit!

Macam biasa exam start pukul 9 aku datang 10.30. Saje lambat2 sbb tak nak masuk awal. Biar org lain masuk dulu. Haha!! Devilish.

Lost kejap. Hmmmmm.

Alhamdulillah ortho dah settle. Next week end round general surgery. Hmmm. Hmm hmm.

Magic lost :(

7 days into ramadhan and I......am crumbling in defeat.......aahh.  I was so sure and confident and positive that I could do it, i could make it the other day... It is, my last ramadhan in Mesir...

So someone said during iftar tadi "malasnya aduh kenapa malas ni. Ada tak org yang rasa macam ni.."

Dalam hati aku, me!!!

But she in the end still, went for terawihh. Ahh. That moment, she is such a hero.

And i, skipped it. I was soo arrogant I turn down zara who insisted me to come join tarawih.

Jahatnya farhah ni. Lusa exam. Tak study. Bertambah2 jahat.....speechless. and I will regret these moments I know...i know...

The magic is there. Is for us, it's given to us. But we have to fight to maintain it. I'm not a good fighter. No where near!

...........................

So it got from being enlightened to sheerer and vague and then lost...

I think i can tell of the reasons....light has entered most hearts in beginning of ramadhan..but the actions I take feeding the heart with Dunia slightly and then more and then more until it can no more accommodate light.....it can no more be deserving of light......the light that can enforce people to be a good fighter, is now gone.

I dont know how people do it. They keep it balanced. They took a sip of Dunia while keeping to their duties and thanking God along and knowing when to stop.

We are actually allowed for so so much of life there are no limits, as long as you put it in your hands not in your heart. It's awesome really.

But for me? I don't know how to do that. I just like what I like and I dont care less. And then the soul becomes uneasy and I get faced with inner conflicts finding it hard to reconcile. I detest myself for what I stupidly selfishly keeeeeeppp on repeating....

What's gonna happen in the future? I am most scared.......of myself!

Spiritually Dead and Magic of Ramadhan

Seriously dah ramadhan balik! Serious cepat sangat. Like seriously why? Time feels really speeding up and I'm in my final year and this will be like my last ramadhan here! I get a glitch of sayuness :(

I don't know but Ramadhan definitely has its magic. It instantly made me and people want to step up on their ibadah, fix bad habits, and unlike other months, people actually get down to it with such ease!. Magical actually.....

Semalam first tarawih. i actually can't  believe i made it! Tell you the truth, this is definitely my worst year. Really. Before each ramadhan you'll somehow be evaluating how you've been the past year after the previous ramadhan and whether your prayers from last year got realized and you somehow become a better person??..........Sadly, it's not the case for me.........

Hands down the peak ramadhan experience for me was when I spent the holy month here alone. And it went downhill since....

In past ramadhan, I remember hoping to get closer to quran and to be more educated of quran and bla2... but reality is, I'm getting farther. Now that im analyzing--memorization......like 1 surah?? For a year???? Tafsir studies.....like 1 surah jugak?? And it's only a small one even??? Tilawah? Takyah mention. I keluar usrah this year (to focus study? (Lah sgt)) and you probably get the idea.......many2 days I didn't read quran langsung and when I do its only a few pages. These are all just quran related deeds that i skipped and am not gonna mention the bad things i did that came along...eg wajib things, study related, behavioural lackings, worldly obsessions....

I am literally disconnected and dead, spiritually......my YouTube history, my phone, my lappie is full of useless makeup tutorials, kpop songs, kdramas... My soul is in coma! I'm living heedless and oblivious. The days run fast like wasted with no effective progress on anything...(did I mention I'm in my final year?? And leaving this land soon??)

And so honestly, upon ramadhan coming, I was feeling..how such I put it, senseless?? Muted? Blunt? Unexcited? Scared? yes!! Because I don't know how it will be this time with me entering ramadhan with too too too much sins and baring such munafikness inside me...........

But i guess the good thing is...that magic of ramadhan i mentioned before is still there. Im still 'allowed' to feel it. Its like youre in obvious suffocation to doom but get a surprising little gasp of air.....Thank you Allah!!! And then of course you also have your friends to keep you in check...

................................

My posts have been very depressing lately. I intended to record this. The blog will be on personal development. I have a hinge that I will lie many times when I get all positive, ecstatic and enthusiastic in posts, in a way that they will all relentlessly be defeated and I'll end up with this depressing kind of update post again......but haah. Really.....Change?....haaah.......

One thing for sure....relentlessly, too, I will not, can not give up on getting back up again..no matter how many times myself fail me, I hope...

I too, hope and pray for each and everyone out there, no matter where you are physically, emotionally, mentally, and in the spiritual spectrum.....that we all get our share of the magical taste of ramadhan.....and we can, if not much, get some good out of this holy month..

P/s: I feel like jumping into the wagon of vlogging these days.

cant wait for my update reality check after this post and after ramadhan..hmmmm. change? Farhah? Hmm hmm.

Change

Currently sitting with my back against a closed lecture hall door. Distant voice of like an awesome lecturer, teaching on Trauma Care. I am sore. I want to be in there.

I was never early. Luckily doctors arent always too. Except for days like today, my luck ran out. Late 30 mins and am too scared to enter a lecture hall full of watching eyes and of course, the doctor's almost eagle eyes which i dont want to disappoint... (like if you sincerely feel that way shouldn't you just get your ass down here early instead?)

Blurgh.

Tell you the truth, it never came to me every night without the thought of "Farhah, esok kau bangun awal. Force your damn ass up the moment you open your eyes. DO NOT SNOOZE THE ALARM. Cut off on sleep. Get up and exercise and pray and read quran and get ready early so you can iron clothes right and do makeup properly (yes!). And head off to class 30 mins earlier, enjoy the walk admiring the beautiful sky, smile to people, be contented and grateful......arrive to class earlier than the doctor so you can catch up on a little revision......what a wonderful day to start withhh!!!!!"

Aahhh. How simple yet so impossible to stick to for a weak willed like me :(

Yes. My every night wish runs not farther than an imagination. Paling awal aku pernah sampai kelas is 9.10am. For a class starting at 9.00. Am not impressed.

To tell you some more truth. I like sleeping (which everyone knows i guess). Not in a way that i sleep whenever i can, but whenever i do sleep i never get up on the first wake. And i resort to sleeping whenever im having my bad days. Once i went crazy and slept for 20 hours straight.

But to tell you some more truth, i hated it :( I do not the least approve of my behaviour. I hate it after sleeping too much. The only annoying thing thats keeping me from my goals. So when conscience kicks in, I can also not sleep for 48 hours straight!

Yes, my love-hate relationship with sleep.......

The idea of a perfect life, the perfect person that i wish to be someday..if i can summarize it to one thing, it is to sleep 5 hours max or less!

I go about thinking, "Life is short. With so many things to do so many to achieve and accomplish. Make use of your time alive doing productive things instead of sleeping. Use all the opportunity there is to read, learn for the better of yourself to promote self growth to not die a useless death... Live a healthy lifestyle--clean, cook, keep up with your gym routine. Everybody knows how there is no meaning to dunia except with the aim of akhirah. So instead of watching useless kpop n makeup tutorials, tune into ceramah videos which you were a big fan of once. Start back on your quranic studies and memorization, pray early on time with sunat prayers and yes laugh with your friends, watch a movie sometimes--explore life's perspectives.. at least get doing things and NOT sleep......"

My problem is. I know what i want but im having trouble committing to it...what i want is too far from who ive been these many years that a little epiphany at some moments of awakening cant really make 360 deg absolute change in me.

And since im always falling behind my expectations, my confidence shattered. It felt like im being laughed at. Embarrassed. It felt impossible. Its so simple yet feels impossible that i cant help but doubt........can i ever change? Be different live differently?

Of course its only fair to start a good day with an early sleep the night before but no...im not the robot type to do the same things exactly at the same time everyday. Things come by and so, i'll say no, no matter how late i slept in...i will wake up early. I can and i will! (Of course i managed so in a few days only to afterwards drift to my usual no discipline life routine..........)

Soo. I dont know. Keep going back and forth like this...semangat then tak semangat... rajin then malas...in the expense of too much time wasted...and no efficient progress...huuuuuuuuh.

Random

Its 1 am in the morning. Tomorrow is a holiday. My housemates are loud in the kitchen. They're on a homemade shell out endeavour. Cool kan! Me? Im retiring on self pampering autonomosity to not do anything. Haha.

Its been a while since i posted things. I still write though. But they stay in my draft. I write when im stressed and confused. When im feeling a need to understand and express myself in words and let it off my chest. Relieving. Now that i think about it i always resort to that. Notes in my phone have little essays that i write whenever perasaaan tak puas hati datang. Boiling inside, yet when i finish addressing everything it felt like things are magically lifted and i no more bare the need to throw a fit or anything..

Ever since the issue regarding last post i can merrily cheer kudos to myself. Feel a lot better. At ease. Alhamdulillah. Don't feel like killing anyone as much. Literally yes.

So many things had happen. I wish i can record them all to not miss out a single moment to cherish later when we forget the little valuable details that make our life.

Im leaving egypt soon. I honestly felt sore at the thought of it..........i wish time won't move so fast. The thought of departing for good from this place..and the thought of a bolder vicious reality ahead of me..growing up in life..taking a step ahead in a new dimension....of work life. Not just any work, but, a doctor.

Im getting chills.

Not ready.

Doubting.

And i am not proud at my self progress in my study. Though it is a teeny weeny bit better than the worst of last years. Where im like a shadow in class and this year a little....brighter visible shadow? Does that make sense. How great...in my final year and still feels like a shadow.

By shadow i mean sometimes i exist and most of the times i dont. And whenever in those little times that i do, it seemed like i dont. Get me?

Kay tak yah la faham, anyhow, need to get working on my grilled veges and butter prawn. My autonomosity has expired 😅

I love my housemates, have i mentioned that? They knew and accept me in my worst. Im always a pain in the ass with my little complex.....

The plan today was interestingly, entirely spontaneous. Syahirah lapar at like 10 pm dia and Anna nak gi Carrefour. I keep saying yeah2 jom siap but dont seem like ever getting off my chair. Erk.. Me and zara down hard--malas... So they went themselves surprisingly come back at near 12am in the morning bawak udang setengah kilo and sotong sekilo and veges and all sorts.

Even more surprisingly dia kata "takpe biar kitorang masak harini!" Woah sounded like a miracle. They finally self claim to become in charge of something without me or zara's involvement...yeah!

In the end of course zara helped out, being her nature. And being her nature to include me in, i can't say no..

So that in the photo is our result. Impressive rather huh? Sedap sangat!!! All thanks to the mastermind adorable juniors in the houseeeee~~~

Bon apps!! 

Pretense

Kadang bila aku kata aku okay. Buat2 relax. Laugh and smile it off. Say things lightly like im matured enough to forgive, strong enough to get over it........

Honestly, honestly deep down inside, i kinda feel like im totally faking it. Its all a show pretense of how i WISH for it to be. When reality is, i haven't forgive. I haven't let go. Why? Because the thought of it still hurts. Things that pass by that has anything to do with it still give me chills. Tachycardic. It lingers around like inhaling toxic gas. Heavy on the chest. Angry and rasa nk menyumpah. Tak puas hati.

And i, am embarrassed to admit this. Yet i feel like i need to get it out. Yet i cant afford to be the loser again by showing my weakness...again...but then i feel it suffocating...yet..fuuh faham tak?

His mother sometimes call and i get irritated. I havent been answering her calls..for a year. Oh my now tht i think about it its almost a year. Time flies fast. But i...am still stuck in that same pain from then, i guess. I promised her a lot. I hope i get to still keep those promises. But as for now, i desperately need to sort things out.

Am i making this up? Am i like habituating to a depressive mood or something i dont know. I do wish to not feel this way. I want to actually really deep down "mean" my silence, my smile, my words of letting it all go and forgiving.

Sumpah aku bersyukur sgt it reached an end really. I wouldn't have asked for it to turn out as other than this. I love myself, regard myself more and i do deserve better. Yes. This is all my saviour. Aku pun tak hingin lah serious dgn tettt mcm tu. Nak sebut pun tak sanggup.

Tapi kenapa hati aku still tak sedap?....bencinya. sakit hati. Kat si tettt tu satu. Kat diri aku pun satu. Bengang dgn diri, this stupid weak self of mine to allow these to happen, twice, at that. Kesian really i pity this pitiful self..its like a dark heavy taint on the inevitable past im force to carry as i move forward. I hate it. The thought of it. Being betrayed. Fooled. Lied to. Trampled on like im worth so little as to nothing. Treated with no tiny bit of appreciation nor fair regard as an old time friend pun. Not showing any remorse nor guilt AT ALL after all and brazenly leaving without a word. Kurang ajar. Piece of trash.

Aku. Tak tahu lah mcm mana skrg married people go through divorce, forced into poligamy, how women handle their cheating low life husbands, vice versa. The trauma, their bruised broken hearts. Takutnya dgn masa depan. The fact that this is how the world works, you live among people and youre suppose to attach with any one person so called your "other half"... fear at having to give in and commit and trust again and then......lying cheating bullshit happens. God.

That image of me 5 years back, that memory, of pleading so much from the bottom of my aching heart to not be abandoned....... and then a year back, the foolish me who is idiotically, pathetically, "kind" enough to muster the courage and give it another chance again.....only to be...

haaaaah........

What humiliation.

The shame. To even face yourself.

**exhaling heavily**
**swallowing things down**

No. I dont ever want to go through that again. Please. God.

God. I. Really. Only. Want to rely and be enough with myself. I wish to have control on myself. To Prioritize. And make the right decisions. To never compromise with any less. To abide by the limitations You've set up for us human beings. To give and show You the best of us no matter what comes in our way.

To love at a point.

To let go at a point.

To forgive at a point.

To love myself first.

To learn to love You, above all.

To learn and learn. Falling and getting back up.

To aim, prioritize.

And grow forward nevertheless.

I hope.

Get Kaplan Step 1 Lecture Notes and DVDs in Malaysia!

USMLE study materials in Malaysia!

I most probably am going back to malaysia for the winter break this 20th January. Sudden change of plans. Wee. Anyhow I'm right now in Egypt and can easily get my hands on the USMLE Step 1 Kaplan Lecture Notes and DVDs. Its the 2015/2016 version. If in anyway someone out there in malaysia was like me going crazy over trying to find cheap Step 1 study materials, do contact me (before 18/1/2016). I have a 40kg luggage allowance from my Etihad flight so yup  can bring them with me and post it to anywhere in Malaysia once i get back home.

Amazon sells them without the DVD for a price of almost USD300. But i can get it for you at a cheaper RM + DVDs! 😀😀

Plus you dont need the super expensive course with any 3rd party really. Study on your own with kaplan books while watching their lectures in the DVDs, also first aid and a few other books with help of UWorld and NBME questions and you can pass just fine or perhaps 250 above if you prepare and study well! Really!

Because the exam itself and all other charges and expenses throughout the journey is already soo soo expensive so you might need to cut down on the study material costs.

It comes with a total of 8 books (7 books+1 Qbook) and around 13 DVD videos consisting of hundred hours of lectures just to get you to master the basics.

The 7 books comprises of:

Anatomy
Physiology
Pharmacology
Microbiology
Pathology
Biochemistry
Behavioral Science

All that you need!

If you want First Aid, the 2015 version is also available. 2016 coming in later this year.

Anyhow, good luck studying!

(Havent started mine though, urgh)

Egypt

Such a super duper cold day today! Freezing though I'm already with 3 layers on.

Suddenly feels like sharing what egypt and egyptians are like:

1) they talk to each other like best friends in the elevator though they're practically strangers, never met before.

2) when they get pissed with other drivers while on the road, they stop their cars and argue in the middle of the road which halted the entire traffic!!

3) when there's an accident they work instantly, quickly, together as a team like its their own family out there, from saving the victim to pushing and rolling the car out of the driveway.

4) taxi drivers run out of change? They ask for change while on the road honking at other taxi drivers asking for change and exchanging transactions via rear windows of their both moving cars.

5) Donkeys and horses also is part of the traffic (at least in Tanta). Never put on earphones soo loud because then you can't hear their warning-please-make-way-hiss-sound. Which made me bumped into a donkey coming from behind me the other day. And i find it funny. My "only in egypt" experience. Haha.

6) they really take care of their neighbours. Welcoming of foreigners and generous at getting to feed their guests. Excluding the group of naughty boys and girls that like to makes fun of you.

7) they talk to each other so loud and angrily you'd think they're fighting but no. They argue a hell lot too but wont take long at making up.

8) never believe or put high hopes in their "insyaAllah tomorrow" promises. Never!

9) Their electrical appliances are of very very bad quality.

10) i love Tanta's endless variety of restaurants and coffee shops. They rock their own version of starbucks!

11) a total nuisance and sgt mencabar kesabaran if you need things done eg a visa or any sort of process because of their lagged and too laid back system of work. Masuk kerja pukul 9 minum2 teh borak2 pukul 10-11 baru start. And at 2pm dah start chiling pack up nak balik. For crying out loud!

12) but rather efficient and fast at quick repetitive tasks like counting money, scanning grocery goods at the cashier, or while making breads to name a few. Seriously they move like robots!

13) you're supposed to say salamm and they kinda expect you to say it when you get into a car, into the elevator, a room etc.

Wrapping it up i think though they outwardly look like angry stressful people they're actually rather friendly with strong silaturrahim and teamwork even towards people of their first meet. They can't contain their anger much so they let it out that instant. But i guess the perks to that somehow it breaks the habit of backbiting and grudging. Sloooww at work but rather skilled and fast in..techniques? Haha entah pape je lahh

Its my final year i wish i get to document my everyday lives here just to reminisce on them after i forever leave this place. The place of significant effect on my growth and a main turning point in life. The saviour from my hectic, misled life of the past that i thought i can never get away from.

Will definitely miss this place.