Erk.

Cuak giler nak pegi oral exam. Nervous sampai sakit perut loya nak termuntah bagai you name it. Last minute study so cannot afford to sleep mind was so saturated. Sekali tengok2 doctor tanya soalan ala2 tadika. Erk. Yg sedihnya soalan tadika pun tak leh jawab elok2. Doctor cakap "excellent2", oh kite pun layan la syiok sendiri jawab. On the way balik fikir balik pergh banyak gillerr aku cakap salah. Rasa kene troll dgn doc!! Ish!!

I hate this feeling! Should have answered properly and not to undermine myself so much so that I can give what I actually studied for so that it will be a fair hearing. Hadoi. Ni tak buat muka blur gelabah doctor pun acah2 je tanya. Pastu bajet gelabah lagi mind tak clear utk jawab. Padahal its all in here!!

Hahaha. Huhuhu. Hihihi. Ho. Haa. Hmmm. Nak sedih ke nak gembira. Nasib baik dapat doctor senang. Nasib tak baik jugak bila soalan senang pun confusee nak jawab.

Rasa cam sbb kurang berkat...sape suruh study last minit!

Macam biasa exam start pukul 9 aku datang 10.30. Saje lambat2 sbb tak nak masuk awal. Biar org lain masuk dulu. Haha!! Devilish.

Lost kejap. Hmmmmm.

Alhamdulillah ortho dah settle. Next week end round general surgery. Hmmm. Hmm hmm.

Magic lost :(

7 days into ramadhan and I......am crumbling in defeat.......aahh.  I was so sure and confident and positive that I could do it, i could make it the other day... It is, my last ramadhan in Mesir...

So someone said during iftar tadi "malasnya aduh kenapa malas ni. Ada tak org yang rasa macam ni.."

Dalam hati aku, me!!!

But she in the end still, went for terawihh. Ahh. That moment, she is such a hero.

And i, skipped it. I was soo arrogant I turn down zara who insisted me to come join tarawih.

Jahatnya farhah ni. Lusa exam. Tak study. Bertambah2 jahat.....speechless. and I will regret these moments I know...i know...

The magic is there. Is for us, it's given to us. But we have to fight to maintain it. I'm not a good fighter. No where near!

...........................

So it got from being enlightened to sheerer and vague and then lost...

I think i can tell of the reasons....light has entered most hearts in beginning of ramadhan..but the actions I take feeding the heart with Dunia slightly and then more and then more until it can no more accommodate light.....it can no more be deserving of light......the light that can enforce people to be a good fighter, is now gone.

I dont know how people do it. They keep it balanced. They took a sip of Dunia while keeping to their duties and thanking God along and knowing when to stop.

We are actually allowed for so so much of life there are no limits, as long as you put it in your hands not in your heart. It's awesome really.

But for me? I don't know how to do that. I just like what I like and I dont care less. And then the soul becomes uneasy and I get faced with inner conflicts finding it hard to reconcile. I detest myself for what I stupidly selfishly keeeeeeppp on repeating....

What's gonna happen in the future? I am most scared.......of myself!

Spiritually Dead and Magic of Ramadhan

Seriously dah ramadhan balik! Serious cepat sangat. Like seriously why? Time feels really speeding up and I'm in my final year and this will be like my last ramadhan here! I get a glitch of sayuness :(

I don't know but Ramadhan definitely has its magic. It instantly made me and people want to step up on their ibadah, fix bad habits, and unlike other months, people actually get down to it with such ease!. Magical actually.....

Semalam first tarawih. i actually can't  believe i made it! Tell you the truth, this is definitely my worst year. Really. Before each ramadhan you'll somehow be evaluating how you've been the past year after the previous ramadhan and whether your prayers from last year got realized and you somehow become a better person??..........Sadly, it's not the case for me.........

Hands down the peak ramadhan experience for me was when I spent the holy month here alone. And it went downhill since....

In past ramadhan, I remember hoping to get closer to quran and to be more educated of quran and bla2... but reality is, I'm getting farther. Now that im analyzing--memorization......like 1 surah?? For a year???? Tafsir studies.....like 1 surah jugak?? And it's only a small one even??? Tilawah? Takyah mention. I keluar usrah this year (to focus study? (Lah sgt)) and you probably get the idea.......many2 days I didn't read quran langsung and when I do its only a few pages. These are all just quran related deeds that i skipped and am not gonna mention the bad things i did that came along...eg wajib things, study related, behavioural lackings, worldly obsessions....

I am literally disconnected and dead, spiritually......my YouTube history, my phone, my lappie is full of useless makeup tutorials, kpop songs, kdramas... My soul is in coma! I'm living heedless and oblivious. The days run fast like wasted with no effective progress on anything...(did I mention I'm in my final year?? And leaving this land soon??)

And so honestly, upon ramadhan coming, I was feeling..how such I put it, senseless?? Muted? Blunt? Unexcited? Scared? yes!! Because I don't know how it will be this time with me entering ramadhan with too too too much sins and baring such munafikness inside me...........

But i guess the good thing is...that magic of ramadhan i mentioned before is still there. Im still 'allowed' to feel it. Its like youre in obvious suffocation to doom but get a surprising little gasp of air.....Thank you Allah!!! And then of course you also have your friends to keep you in check...

................................

My posts have been very depressing lately. I intended to record this. The blog will be on personal development. I have a hinge that I will lie many times when I get all positive, ecstatic and enthusiastic in posts, in a way that they will all relentlessly be defeated and I'll end up with this depressing kind of update post again......but haah. Really.....Change?....haaah.......

One thing for sure....relentlessly, too, I will not, can not give up on getting back up again..no matter how many times myself fail me, I hope...

I too, hope and pray for each and everyone out there, no matter where you are physically, emotionally, mentally, and in the spiritual spectrum.....that we all get our share of the magical taste of ramadhan.....and we can, if not much, get some good out of this holy month..

P/s: I feel like jumping into the wagon of vlogging these days.

cant wait for my update reality check after this post and after ramadhan..hmmmm. change? Farhah? Hmm hmm.