Regrets.

Allah nak aku bangun sendiri. Dan ubah sendiri apa yang dalam diri aku sekarang. Berharap hanya pada Dia. Dan hidup, bukan itu untuk bersenang lenang je. Yes.

I was looking at old pictures yesterday. The days masa dekat UiTM dulu. Those happy, fun, out going days. The days when i was just going with the flow andd..entah. There were no worries. I miss it. Yes.

Being here, its harder, tougher, im stressed. Because of the realities you have to face. Mostly now, because im finally having real aims and expectations for myself. It kills me when im not putting up with it. Serious geram sgt dgn diri sendiri.

Pagi tadi bangun, lambat nak gi kelas but aku still dgn kelam kabutnya siap jugak. Dah pakai baju tu, looking at myself in the mirror, i see those lines kat tudung n my kemeja (i didnt iron them properly). Tetiba jadi tension sgt. Mcm bodoh gila. Geez tiap2 hari macam ni. Sampai bila aku nak macam ni. Tak teratur. Tak pernah sehari pergi kelas dalam keadaan BERSEDIA. Tiap hari saje nak memanjang2 kan lagi tidur tuu, lepas tu lambat, terkejar2 macam ni.  aarrrrgghhh i hate myself!!

Last night before tidur i was reading buku "Cinta di Rumah Hasan Al Banna". Ya Allah, he (may Allah bless him) is..such an inspiration! I was reading until like page 15. What i can learn from it is...DISCIPLINE. Assyahid Imam Hasan Al Banna..is the ultimate exemplary of an organized man, a leader, a muslim, who sleeps 4 hours a day, the rest of the hours busy with his daawah, his family.

I dont know which is worst..having to cry and rasa down sangat tengok keadaan diri aku berbanding hamba Allah yang lain (sesal bukan menaikkan tapi dlm keadaan menjatuhkan, takde mood nak buat benda lain), or even after the total resentment pun, im still not changing :(

Aku perasan. Semenjak aku cuba nak bina balik diri aku lepas aku lalui zaman jahiliyyah aku, susahnyaaa.. Its been so longg actually..the last time i remembered..masa aku form 3. Tahun where i'm still being me,still budak "debe" sekolah. Pakai tudung senget2 even terbalik pon boleh (haha sumpah lawak). Pegi sekolah pun lambat..BUT, i was completely aware and aku mmg nak and tak kisah. I have my reasons. I stand by my principles. I was inspired by Stephen R Covey teamed with kuliah maghrib Ust Mat Noor. Masa form 3 were the days.. I wake up for tahajjud. Jaga rawatib. Where i actually hate the act of sleeping. I thought sleeping is a waste of time and does not bring you any good, yknow. Balik sekolah solat terus buka meja kecik tu untuk study. Looking around and wondering why in the world are these people wasting their time sleeping. I love to write diaries. Express my thought about stuffs and mostly self improvements (which i actually follow and live by). Tiap hari mesti baca english newspaper (the star or NST) and highlight perkataan aku tak faham. Master grammar and build up vocabs just for my sake of ilm. Selalu call up my parents. Time nak exam nangis2 dgn semangat, im doing this for them. Orang lain i remembered sibuk dgn geng. Mandi sama makan sama. And me, im only 'moving solo' and just friends with everyone (the hye bye friends). Sit anywhere with anyone, is fine with me (Least after huda dah tak duduk asrama, our geng tak sehidup semati mcm before). No peer pressure. Was not in need of anyone to feel good, and to do what i have to do. I was living my life the way i wanted, the way yg selari dgn apa yang aku rasa benar, selari dgn roh aku. I was at peace. I felt free. Tahun tu aku duduk kelas num 2 aku rasa. Budak selenge, tapi syukur pada Allah, time PMR trials i ranked number 3 dalam sekolah. Alhamdulillah. Tak sangka kan ?

Form 4 aku buat hal. Start malas nak belajar. Break rules excessively,(bukan setakat pegi kelas lambat), sampai kene buang sekolah. Aku bergaul dgn orang tak tentu pasal,hasil melepak kat kl (i'm never letting my kids hangout unless im sending them and i know their who their friends are). I gone freehair. Tipu ayah ibu. Too involved with boyfriend. Baik buruk semua campur. I lost myself :( I compromised who i was and my stands until everything is a mess and im totally just LOST. And now its like im having to pick up all the pieces and start all over again, to build myself.

And sekarang..aku budak 2 bulan ponteng class. Seminggu sekali dua je pegi kelas. Even paginya aku bangun tahajud dan menangis pun, siangnya aku dah lupa and aku tak jugak pegi kelas. Duduk rumah tidur, online, pergi masak ke kemas rumah ke buat kek ke apa2 lah..EXCEPT studying. Kalau part nak buka buku tu kene ada extra force n paksaan. Gee. Dont i love my field? Am i not fond of diseases and drugs and knowing answers about my dad's hypertension, my mom's anaemia, my atuk's stone problem in his urinary tract ? Am i not excited and intrigued and honoured to be well of knowledge and help save a life ?

I hate myself those moments i open my eyes from sleep. Shes not thinking properly. Shes making decisions thats making me tanggung the dissapointments and regrets. Ya Allah susahnya :( susah sangat nak lawan diri nii ya Allah susah betul ni tak tipu :'(  kenapa untuk orang lain senang je. Ya Allah aku tak pernah ada masalah macam ni (or selama ni aku tak pernah anggap ini sbg masalah???) Sometimes things just run smoothly. For other ppl its running smoothly. Tapi aku, sekarang ni?? Rasa kene berperang tiap2 hari. Itu sepatutnya. Tapi hakikat sebenarnya, selalunya, aku ni malas, so still aku buat dek je. lepas tu menyesal.

How anymore oblivious and reckless can i be in making my very own decisions, in determining my very own future ??

Somehow aku tahu..dengan banyaknya masa aku yg terluang dan sedikitnya orang yang bermakna ada di sekeliling aku, Allah nak aku belajar untuk bergantung hanya pada dia..peluang memperbanyakkan ibadah dan mengukuhkan hubungan aku dengan Dia..akan tiba masa hidup aku akan jadi sibuk dan lagi banyak tanggungjawab (masa kerja and dah berkeluarga nanti)

And somehow aku juga rasa, aku ni jenis org yg..sgt sikit sense of conscience. Tak takut langsung dengan decisions yang aku buat ni akan mengakibatkan macam2 pada diri aku. Main pakai buat je apa yang aku rasa nak buat. Jenis yang oblivious. Nak tunggu orang tegur, baru nak "eh yaAllah". Lepas tu insaf...hm esoknya...???

Jadi macam mana nii...how la for me..i've been running in circles. And im really tired..

I need motivation. CONSTANT motivation. Maybe a scary monster each morning to stand by my bed and threatening to slash my throat if i dont get my ass off bed. Maybe a really terrible horrible dream of how its like in jahannam ? The regrets. Yes. I hated regrets. Im scared of regrets. If theres anything i'd pray of is for Allah to avoid me the remorse pain of regrets.

Your sorry, made my everything, isn't worth a dime.

What kind of parents say sorry to their kids?

MY KIND.

My dad, i sent him an email, for the first time in my life, i was actually being frank to him, about everything (not all, but only everything he needs to know), my lame life. i cant help to cry when i was typing. i was literally scared, is he going to be pissed, taken aback, terguris hati? will he cut me off with a "get studying and stop being a baby" sorta comeback....

He rarely opens his email (i guessed). hopefully he doesn't at all. or maybe i should just give it a week, like that. To my surprise, the day after, my phone rang with an email, showing his face. He replied. quite fast. very! cuak gila! i cannot open it, i cannot open it, i shall not read it ! Im not ready to face what he thinks of me..and the 'dictation'.

...


I WAS WRONG.

I TRULY UNDERMINED HIM.

His reply, was brief but concise. Exactly what i needed. My heart was throbbing. He is right. He's always been so.

Gee, this is the first time i think i got to reach that other side of him. Somehow i felt so close to him.

I didn't get back to him, didn't call him at all until now. I'm kinda waiting for him to do so. But it doesn't matter. Getting back to him and saying "Thank you ayah." and "No ayah, I should be the one saying sorry" is not enough. NOT ever enough.

As far as my concern goes, my sorry will never equate to his sacrifice, his understanding of me, his love for me. I will forever be grateful of you, forever be thankful, forever i will owe you, that in a million years of anything  can never outrun it.

...

I'll hold on to this feeling, and use it in my duas.

My dad, he does not deserve my forgiveness or anything else, except that from the moment he breathe his first air in this world, the moment his voice is heard, that moment his eyes opened, HE IS FORGIVEN BY ALLAH. From that day he is born, and now, until after and after and after, no matter what, it is only fair that he deserves, for Allah Almighty, the All Kind, All Merciful, All Forgiving, to excuse all his sins, to be showered with Allah's thorough Love and Compassion, blessed with His mercy only.

For he is a father, who said that tiny "sorry" to his child. When he verily is not, is never in the position to do so...but he did say so. When me, myself, on the other hand, i had always wronged him. It was I who was always hurting him, not him. not ever...Still, he told me he was sorry...


And now i owe him my life.


Ya Allah..i don't know how to repay him. I'm embarrassed. He deserved nothing more, not a word, not a tear, nor gold nor position is equivalent, but it is Your utter blessing and forgiveness. The day when there is no other savior but you, when everyone is greedy for Your forgiveness, O Allah, please forgive my father.


I miss you, and by Allah, i love you so much ayah. If only you know. i couldn't thank you enough. But Allah, He shall be the one to thank you. And Allah, only He can make it enough for you.

:'(

Oh Allah, please forgive my ibu also.. when i was in malaysia, i was always in an argument with her. i kept sinning, im such a disobedient child, i cant control my emotions when i'm with ibu..and ayah.. :( its 3 times already i dream of them. When my mom cant send me to the airport. she was sad..she kept calling me. i was sad too ibu. i was sad too you couldnt make it..I didnt get to say sorry..Please forgive me ibu. Ya Allah please forgive my parents..

Solat.

Assalamualaikum wrt.

I sometimes think of stuffs. and thought of writing it down..but most of the times i didn't. I find it quite hard to translate my thoughts and ideas into words and make it thoroughly conveyed, the exact reflection of each other. (hahah maybe i lack that eloquent vocab). But i know this time i need to. i couldn't risk forgetting and not documenting it. hihiks

Solat. Sembahyang. 

There is no such thing in the world that you do, and the moment you do it, is you get engaged in thinking of thinking of something OTHER than its purpose of doing, EXCEPT, SOLAT.
(try to read it a few times stressing the highlighted words) 

yeah. I mean, as soon as AllahuAkbar. you're lost. Either imagining, recalling, brainstorming, planning. Most lazim questions are, "Gee what do i have to do next." "i feel like baking this cake.." " oh yeah my oven, when to repair it" "Cabs are so hard to get these days" "Egypt's weird..." blablaba. Next thingg you know. geez i think i'm in 2nd rakaat, what have i been thinking about all the while AGAIN????"  

Ironically, the types of thoughts and questions that NEVER pop up in your head while you're doing other things ALWAYS HAS TO appear in between AllahuAkbar and Assalamualaikum wrt. like, SERIOUSLY. ITS CHRONIC !! almost a magical mystery ! A wonder! Solat is like programmed in our heads for this !

You never berangan, unless, you actually paused whatever you're doing and then start your berangan-ing. Theres no such thing as belajar sambil berangan. INTERMITTENT belajar 2 minit, then berangan 5 minit ada lah. That moment when you start imagining, pap! you're no more studying. that topic you're revision-ing pushed to the back of your mind, your day dreaming get it way in your main thinking box. Your mind can't comprehend thinking about 2 things at once. faham tak?

So all this while KITA NI SOLAT KE BERANGAN?????????

And what about DOA? DUA'? Habis je solat, (solat tak rasa cam apa2 sangat), start je tadah tangan tuu..fuuuh...rasa lain. rasa naak sangat. Bila doa, boleh pulak kita concentrate begging hoping asking TO ALLAH..(Alhamdulillah for those who/when we concentrated)..with all our heart we get to feel kerendahan, lemah dan hinanya diri kita ni..We needed Him so bad, He's listening to us, and is responding..that we cry so hard and attain such peace afterwards. Itu doa. Sedangkan solat? It is the means, the ONLY means by which we are connected DIRECTLY to Him. Dan doa pula, (as to my level of knowledge) has to pass by stages to reach Allah. He would know, yes for sure He is the All Knower. But it is with His control also, of how the procedures run, that the dua' may be rejected on its way up. (due to all sorts haram consumption, etc)

Solat is the opportunity,  Your Creator gave you, for you to come SPEAK to Him. How do you feel speaking to your visible friend? what comes in your mind? 

That feeling, you want to say something and you say it, you're understanding what you're saying, you're listening it by your own ears, confirming it well said and that your friend hears it and will come to an understanding of it also, the message is delivered, you wait and are looking up to his response. Especially when you're in a serious communication with your friend. Nothing else can occupy your heart and mind. 

Solat is NOT an act of ritual comprising of strange actions and not-understandable spells and summonings. 

Stand tall during solat and OPEN YOUR EYES. BE IN THE MOMENT. DON'T GO DEEP IN YOUR HEART FOR WHATEVER WRONG REASONS AND GET LOST IN YOUR THINKING. Ada yang solat time tahiyyat dia macam gerak-gerak kiri kanan (macam berzikir). Adakah lagu apa yang tengah dibaca tu?? Allow me to quote something from a very interesting article i ran into:

Khushoo is not a synonym for weeping or lowering one’s gaze. Umar  (may Allāh be pleased with him) saw a young man lowering his head, so he said to him: “What is this? Raise your head, for indeed this (kind of) khushoo does not increase what is in the heart. Whosoever displays a khushoo that does not stem from the heart, then it is hypocrisy added to hypocrisy.“

(i assume "lowering his head" means to lower it too much. This hits me real hard, as i remembered, I've been there. Did it when i was in high school.)

Let it come naturally, automatically, you're another slave, honoring the time, engaging in a conversation with your Lord. Acknowledging your weak and dependent self. You're praising Him as he deserves and thanking Him as He ought to be.

There is an ayaaat in Quran, saying to lower your voice in solat. Allah, He hears you, He knows whats in your heart. Yang dalam hati tu penting ! Imagine you're whispering something to a friend, to his ears. That feeling. Doesn't need to be loud, enough when understood and felt by both parties.


 Solat should NOT be done, with the feeling to load off a burden. Hah k, berdiri tunduk sujud, berdiri tunduk sujud, cepat cepat done ! Asal dah buat sudah la tak? -.-

Contoh paling dekat dalam hati aku: 

Setiap kali masak, aku mesti masak lamaa, sebab aku ni amateur, and proses "merasa" edit2 garam gula garam gula tuu or asam blabla mesti nak sampai yg tahap aku puas hati,,orang lain pun sedaplah nak makan. and bila aku solat sekadar nak lepas macam tu, umpamanya aku campak segala bagai, pap! dah.. takde sikit pun a responsible feeling nak rasa macam mana masakan tu, nak bg org makan. lantak korang ah rasa apa telan je lah apa aku buat. 

kurang ajar itu namanya. Tak adil kepada Allah.

i watched this video and it gave me better understanding of solat:

**Sekadar renungan**

A few times i came across people performing solat, and their eyes were looking forward and wandering (not down on sujood place), as if he is 'thinking' of a lot of things. And once someone solat in the living room, TV was on, dia tengok tv tuu sambil tengah berdiri solat. hmm.

"Seseorang menunaikan solat, tetapi tidak ditulis baginya separuh, satu pertiga, satu suku, satu perlima, satu perenam, satu persepuluh. Hanya ditulis baginya daripada solatnya mengikut kadar apa yang dia faham dari solatnya"

(rujuk from buku Pengenalan Ilmu Tasawwuf Untuk Remaja Islam)