Weakness of This Heart

Its been a year. and i still wake up having dreams about him. Mimpi mainan syaitan, i guess these syaitans certainly know my weak point. After all that has happened, all the fights the arguments, the lies, the cheating, the wasted years with an unworthy guy like him, at least the dream could be of me murdering him or cutting him up into pieces or something. But no. Ironically is, no.

i was on a bus with him. his face was 2 inches away from mine. i felt that i might lose him the next second. i savaged all the advantage i have to just stare into his eyes. to look at that big ugly monkey face i used to love. and then he went away. he got off the bus. as i knew he would.

What is that? No its not hatred. its even far from lust, astaghfirullah. It is if i can word--tenderness. tenderness in this heart. It woke me up. i felt--sadness-- and as usual i started weeping. is it even love? when relationships are based on falsehood like that i don't know. but for certain, the intensity of feeling that i have for him is, for now, incomparable to anything. he once was a very big part of me, that i can't help regretting.

why am i feeling this way. why am i so weak.

how much time will it take for me to completely be free.

mungkin 1 year more.. or even more..

mungkin that position he once occupied is empty that is why i'll always be feeling a part is missing.

It's teaching me. how weak a human heart is. when you relied on what is itself, weak.

This time i know, i've learned from my mistake. that space is never to be wasted on anyone or anything not worthy of it.

That empty space, i want to accommodate with Allah's love.

mungkin one day, that space is for someone who has legitimate hak over it. 

my truly lawfully wedded future husband.

how things are really meant to be this way. 

how i have to get strong and continue moving on. 

i was in my telekung that time, wudhu pun tak batal lagi, i got up and prayed. what ever happened has happened. i prayed to stay on the path of guidance. i prayed for him to be guided also. 

Allah has planned everything out perfectly for me, that we in the end broke up and will never be like before. He has saved me from the life of sin i was living when around him. i came all the way to Egypt. i Alhamdulillah, became a completely different person than what i was before. or maybe i became what i actually am, but it was hidden underneath the lies of dunya i was deceived in living.

above all, i am happy to be where i am, to stand where is stand. once in a while like this, it'll hit me. but i'll be more than okay. more than okay each time. 

weakness taught me Allah. 

Drama Addictions

i watched a korean drama, and it took me one whole night finishing it -.- I'm really dissappointed with myself right now. ya Allah where has it gone all my promises to You? WAKE UP FARHAH! this dunia you're living is  a total lie! Don't be deceived. tahu tak how precious time is??? tahu tak how you're running out of it??? and tahu tak there is soo much so many things to do, you can't afford to waste it away like this. ya Allah. When i attended a majlis agama, i often felt this awakening sense of how there are so many things i lack, i don't know, and that there is not a second to waste. all that i'm up to right now, my time given by Allah, He will ask me what good i had acquired by it. i need to learn the Quran, i need to seek more knowledge of You, my deen, i need to study--develop expertise in this medical field i've been entrusted by Allah to conquer. I need to serve people, make good out of everything for myself, and the people around me. And then there is da'wah, my responsibility baring the Syahadah. Generalizing everything, in consciousness of Your presence, i need to be ready, i need to prepare myself, before the day i stand before You. 

But look at me right now? 

ISTIGHFAR. (an advise from a very dear friend)

Yes. ya Allah sincerely from my very heart, i don't know how to demarcate that line i should not cross in everything i do. how to achieve 'moderation' in doing stuffs. Nouman Ali Khan, he doesn't watch filth you know. i guess i'm agreeing with him, its not wise for muslims to be attached to the fallacies and fantasies or dunia, either by addicted to gaming, to facebook-ing, twittering, even movies that does no good to you, which causes you to get 'busy', trapped and limited in the little world you've created of yourself--that's making you unaware of your surrounding, heedless of reality. I mean i cursed  the habit of how boys are so indulged in gaming, their life practically revolves around it. talk about sitting on the couch for hours and hours and hours (even animals can't keep up with this)--living the fantasy life the game evokes. 

o well hello farhah samsul kamal you just stayed awake one whole night sitting on that one tiny chair in front of that laptop and watched a useless drama that gives you nothing but the feeling of 'gedikness?'--'sparks of love?'--nothing but fantasy--again. you are that 'loveless' ah? WHAT BULL?! 

but its not that you can't watch a movie sometime or whenever, still--do you have to allocate the whole night for it? i mean you can go solat tahajjud, pray to Allah kan lagi worthy in the eyes of Allah? lagi valuable in your saham akhirat? walaupun dulu da janji tengok movie once a week, that 'once' can't account for one whole day okay? stop it la stop please stop!

Its funny, its informative and it strikes deep to your heart. WATCH IT!

Ya Allah with this so many temptations of dunia, please teach me, move this heart ya Allah, abolish it from 'ghaflaa' (obliviousness) so that it is more inclined towards what is good, that it is aware of what is right and wrong, what is appropriate and not. ya Allah i need to get a real grip of reality and my stand, keeping up and staying on the 'middle line' living a balanced life of moderation, the life of a Muslim. Ameen.

Reflect Upon Knowledge

I am so sleepy masyaAllah this is the cost you have to pay for doing last minute work. gggrr. supposedly i drew all these histological structures one after each practical class. now all the work piled up in a bunch and you're just tediously exhausted. pfffttt.

anyways, as i'm slowly passing my time slowly sketching these drawings, i thought i might listen to some songs or play a movie--and make it watch me? herher, naaah, i tuned in to Nouman Ali Khan instead. As in my last post about dealing with quran, i have decided to 'upgrade' my method and purpose of reciting Quran --to study and understand and live by what our Quran teaches. Coincidentally i just khatam the Quran, and now starting again at surah Al Baqarah. i recited 1 page, and watched brother Nouman's tafseer on the page accordingly. I will not move on until i'm satisfied with my understanding and i've acquired the knowledge of what Allah wants from me as He has revealed to me these ayaats.

I strongly suggest every muslim to be doing this, or anything better than just blindly reciting Quran. At this very 'akhir zaman', where the good and bad, right and wrong gets mixed up, leaving us confused and fragile to the very minute yet massive impact from the attacks of syaitan and the world itself, it is very much our utmost and only resort to secure a rightful, also shielded, path towards Allah.

so a few things i learned from the first few pages of Al-Baqarah, it is about 'the hypocrites' or 'munafiq', one of which who acknowledged the fact that they are so and one who doesn't even realize, that they are a munafiq. and it could happen to any one of us with the very-very weak iman we have instilled in ourselves.

The No.1 sign of a munafiq (in this surah) :

A LIAR.

DO NOT tell a lie! don't ever-ever do so thinking nobody would knew, thinking you could get away with something by telling something that is not true. The idea in it of itself is a direct form of refute to our belief, acceding that Allah is not the All-Knower--He is not aware of our lie, and that He is not in power over everything--He is incapable to punish us for it. Altogether certifying that you do not believe, you do not FEAR that He is our one and only Almighty Lord. 

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A WHITE LIE (quoted from Brother Nouman).

Don't bargain truth with a white lie. common example, i  walked in class late and the teacher asked me about it, and i had to muster every ounce of idea left in my brain to talk my way against the fact that i deliberately or not, woke up late. if i can't afford to stand up for my mistake--then please do avoid doing so! stop making late entrance to class! haven't i been taught enough already, am i not in clear consciousness of how Muslims are people of dignity, people of responsibility, the best that any human can be, because they are in constant awareness of Allah ?  :(

It does sound tiny and petty to me, but with this small issue even we ourselves can't handle , we are tolerating the basic building brick of Islam, we are losing Islam. whether its inch by inch, meter by meter, we are losing it. and then we had to whine on how people steal our slippers--at the masjid! how a best friend betrayed our trust. and then how things doesn't go right for us and we end up secretly blaming Allah for it. and further on we question why most muslim countries are chaotic, where is their Islam? and we even get a chance to wonder why other muslims, our friends, our neighbors whoever, are not good muslims as we are? yes its what we do best at. putting the blame, the spotlight on other people's flaws. when we always had the chance to do good, to make a change ourselves. pffffffffffftttt.

Stop saying "its okay, its a small sin". say instead "IT'S SIN, AND ITS NOT OKAY!"
make. a. change.

everybody makes mistakes. it's fitrah. but its not when we live in denial of that mistake, when we cover it up at other people's expense, for our own privilege.  to be perfect is impossible but it doesn't give you a reason to stop trying. and it's never too late. Stopping myself from asking a friend next to me a hint of 1 tiny question, even if when other people around me is cheating in that hall, may seem insignificant, but i have to insist myself on this, on the account that the knowledge has come to me, and i have a responsibility to act upon it. i bare responsibility to Allah. i don't want to cheat or lie anymore. Allah please help me.

لاَ كَبِيْرَةَ مَعَ الاِسْتِغْفَارِ وَ لاَ صَغِيْرَةَ مَعَ الإِصْرَارِ

“Tidak ada dosa besar jika dihapus dengan istighfar (meminta ampun pada Allah) dan tidak ada dosa kecil jika dilakukan terus menerus.”

Nabiku, Muhammad SAW

i thought i wanted to share something i find interesting about the basic characters of my Nabi saw yang kita boleh tiru as we go through our everyday life. tak kenal maka tak cinta! ehe. ehe. i took some of the points i like from here. you can read a LOT more of Nabi saw at that blog :)

Nabi saw bila menoleh dengan semua badannya, pandangannya sering ke bumi, kelihatan baginda lebih banyak melihat ke arah bumi daripada melihat ke atas langit, jarang baginda memerhatikan sesuatu dengan terlalu lama, selalu berjalan beriringan dengan sahabat-sahabatnya, selalu memulakan salam kepada siapa yang ditemuinya (malaysia kalau bagi salam kat orang tak kenal mesti dia kasi sama kita muka pelik kan? haa sangat berbeza dari budaya di egypt)

  

senantiasa membesarkan nikmat walaupun kecil, tidak pernah mencela nikmat apa pun atau terlalu memujinya.

Baginda tidak pernah marah untuk dirinya, atau membela sesuatu untuk kepentingan dirinya, (kita pula terbalik. kalau hal yang melibatkan diri la gila2 nak marah, bila libat orang lain, atau Islam, kita takde lah api sgt aaan), bila mengisyarat diisyaratkan dengan semua telapak tangannya, (tak macam kita k, guna jari telunjuk tu) dan bila baginda merasa takjub dibalikkan telapak tangannya, dan bila berbicara dikumpulkan tangannya dengan menumpukan telapak tangannya yang kanan pada ibu jari tangan kirinya (yang ni cam menarikkan ?), dan bila baginda marah baginda terus berpaling dari arah yang menyebabkan ia marah, dan bila baginda gembira dipejamkan matanya (comelnya Nabi! saw :)), kebanyakan ketawanya ialah dengan tersenyum.

Baginda senantiasa bersikap pertengahan (Ya Allah ajarkanlah kami, faham kan kami akan sikap pertengahan seperti Nabi kami saw) dalam segala perkara, tidak banyak membantah.

Rasulullah SAW tidak duduk dalam sesuatu majelis, atau bangun daripadanya, melainkan baginda berzikir kepada Allah SWT baginda tidak pernah memilih tempat yang tertentu, dan melarang orang meminta ditempatkan di suatu tempat yang tertentu. (sangat bertentangan dengan pemerintah2 zaman sekarang. lagi dia ada kuasa lagi nak VVVVVVVVVVIP seat dengan seberapa banyak V yang mungkin-.-)

tidak banyak bergurau atau beromong kosong segera melupakan apa yang tiada disukainya, tidak pernah mengecewakan orang yang berharap kepadanya, tidak suka menjadikan orang berputus asa. Sangat jelas dalam perilakunya tiga perkara yang berikut. Baginda tidak suka mencela orang dan memburukkannya. Baginda tidak suka mencari-cari keaiban orang dan tidak berbicara mengenai seseorang kecuali yang mendatangkan faedah dan menghasilkan pahala. (fikirlah sebelum bicara !)

Baginda tertawa bila dilihatnya mereka tertawa, dan baginda merasa takjub bila mereka merasa takjub. Baginda selalu bersabar bila didatangi orang badwi yang seringkali bersifat kasar dan suka mendesak ketika meminta sesuatu daripadanya tanpa mahu mengalah atau menunggu, sehingga terkadang para sahabatnya merasa jengkel dan kurang senang, tetapi baginda tetap menyabarkan mereka dengan berkata: "Jika kamu dapati seseorang yang perlu datang, hendaklah kamu menolongnya dan jangan menghardiknya!". Baginda juga tidak mengharapkan pujian daripada siapa yang ditolongnya, dan kalau mereka mau memujinya pun, baginda tidak menggalakkan untuk berbuat begitu. Baginda tidak pernah memotong bicara sesiapa pun sehingga orang itu habis berbicara, lalu barulah baginda berbicara, atau baginda menjauh dari tempat itu.

  

Suka membuat yang baik-baik dan melaksanakannya untuk kepentingan ummat dalam hal-ehwal mereka yang berkaitan dengan dunia mahupun akhirat, agar dapat dicontohi oleh yang lain. Baginda meninggalkan yang buruk, agar dijauhi dan tidak dibuat oleh yang lain. (Don't blame the world, blame ourselves. cuz we are not showing off good examples to people)

Moga kita dapat beramal. Moga Allah ingatkan kita, beri petunjuk kepada kita, tentang sifat pertengahan Nabi saw, mengikut garisan pertengahan(keseimbangan) yang diajar agama kita. Moga Allah jadikan kita yang beramal dengan ilmuNya. Moga Allah menjadikan kita yang beramal keranaNya.

Randomness.

Bila dalam hati tak ada Allah. Hati terus jadi kosong. Bila hati kosong, benda lain datang nak penuhkan. and yang lain selain dari Allah itu, mengotorkan. 

oh dear heart, you're feeling so vulnerable and clinging, you're at your weakest point. nothing will ever feel right. maybe i could eat that scrumptious tiramisu dalam fridge sambil watch a thrilling funny mat salleh movies or layan tengok romantic korean series. maybe i can call up a few friends for a chill. or spend on things i like. maybe i can just enjoy a relaxing soundless sleep. but you know what, to think of it, it all doesn't seem fulfilling to me. 

people barely understand--they hurt you, movies end--and you still have real life to face, materials degrade--you'll lose interest, food ends up as feces down your anus, segala apa lah yang menyeronokkan sangat tu mampu membahagiakan hanya SEKEJAP. and you will never feel enough, thus you get enslaved. how low and helpless humans are. FREE BUT IMPRISONED.

it's just like when you have Allah you have everything, so when you lose Allah, you have nothing. that wondrous peace He puts inside your heart, when your day starts at 2 am prostrating in tahajjud, glorifying your Lord in acknowledgement of His existence, crying your heart out, spilling them out in the silent night. one on one with Him, surrendering and feeling heard and accepted in an embrace. and then each move you take feels light, each decision feels right, the greatest of things are a treasure, the hardest are pleasure. empowered in grace and might. its victory subhanAllah. a victory unfortunately you always fail to hold on to for so long.

..........

you know one thing about myself. i'm not a big fan of vacationing/sightseeing/holidaying or any sort. i don't know it's like, by the end of the day i just wanna get back to the hotel room, in the room i just wanted to lie on my comfy bed home, and finally at home there's this massive laundry to settle -.- harhar. 

you can roam to spain, england, where ever and get all fancy y'know but you'll feel NOWHERE! without that one person that matters beside you. and when with that one person, you'd feel you're already EVERYWHERE! cuz anywhere won't make a difference anymore. haaaaaaaaa deep kan? that is:

 how valuable love is and how invaluable everything else gets. 

i remembered my last days in malaysia. i was spending time with my ex in...in Central Market. ha. ha. tak. ada. kerja. (the last place on earth i'd want to go) but it was definitely, ya Allah, the best moments ever and you don't want it to end. SubhanAllah Rabbi, 

it taught me love. it taught me to want to love You like that. 

even more than that if possible. so unconditional. so pure. beautiful..

...........

Woooii banyaknya berdrama harini. herher. first mood of writing was like that. now by its ending dah well like this pula hmmm bueheh so nope i don't sleep very much on beds i prefer the floor more. dunno where i got it. vacationing best laa koot insyaAllah dgn suami i suatu hari yang indah nanti bahahhaa. and no...CM wasn't that blissful as how it sounded pfft---tolong lah faham--bila i berdrama! segalanya extravaganza! ha.ha.ha.  

Allah's "Something Better"

i just got back from class. and i have decided, (in which i've always decided stuffs but never really successfully work on it anywaysss) i wanted to write! i wanna write write write like how i used to do so in high schoool years. but problem is, i dont know what to write about?.....haha! tipuuuuuuu! ada lotsa stuffs thats came across my mind and i'd rather not talk it out to people, and wished to write about it but never ended up so due to time availability constrictions heheh except for today. 

anyways. i wanted to share about this kakak. she was practically like me, before, she wasn't in much of an understanding of our Deen, dia free hair dulu, suddenly masuk sekolah agama and it sloooowwwly changed her. now dia pakai purdah. eheeemmm comel sangaaaat eee. Dia sangat baik, decent and generous. she can spend like hundreds on us, belanja kitorang just for the sake of us getting ilmu. 

Dulu she had a boyfie, that boyfie of hers, was seorang anak datuk (wow. mungkin handsome lagi). and he proposed to her, that time she was already towards her hijrah, the engagement lasted for a few months until she called it off as to sound reasons that her fiance is not anymore a good influence on her. her reasons are solid, but you can't deny the fact that it takes a lot of courage and strength and sacrifice to actually break free from years of zaman sekolah relationship with a person. and she chose what was right. unlike me, my hijrah is more of Allah's 100% will, there wasn't literally a choice, and i thank Allah so much for His divine light in this.

and now it's been years i guess, tell you what, a handsome, tall, arab, ustaz is into her! heheh the story was so funny where he was a cikgu sementara ape entah (mungkin bahasa arab), first time she saw him she went like: (she literally meant talking to herself thinking he wouldn't understand)

 "oh kacaknya" 

To her surprise, he replied: 

"saya faham bahasa melayu" 

(wooooooi! i went like that when she told me about it haha). plus he is now working as an imam somewhere in England. So now they are mutual friends sometimes in contact and he has her parents' number, already asking about her opinions on marriage blablabla. let's pray the best for her shall we? heheh

all i can say is, what in the blue moon!  ingat senang ke nak jumpa pak arab hensem pandai cakap melayu and utama sekali,seorang yang beragama! (irony is seriously, egyptians, at least those around me, tidak mencerminkan Islam sebenar. They have problems conversing in english plus). And ya Allah, to think of his genes, your future zuriat mesti comel2 eeeee :D

sweetnyeeew lah!

What i learned from this is that, subhanAllah. you take care of yourself, Allah, He will take care of you. work on yourself become a good practicing muslimah, sacrifice, and drown ourselves not in the waves of Dunya, but Allah's orders and will, He will complete you. He will reward you, something EVEN better, insyaAllah.

اَلْخـَبِيـْثــاَتُ لِلْخَبِيْثـِيْنَ وَ اْلخَبِيْثُــوْنَ لِلْخَبِيْثاَتِ وَ الطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلطَّيِّبِيْنَ وَ الطَّيِّبُوْنَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ.

“ Wanita-wanita yang tidak baik untuk laki-laki yang tidak baik, dan laki-laki yang tidak baik adalah untuk wanita yang tidak baik pula. Wanita yang .baik untuk lelaki yang baik dan lelaki yang baik untuk wanita yang baik. (An Nur:26)

and this does not only regard life partners but EVERYTHING, every opportunity of choices you make.

أَقْرِضُوا اللَّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا وَمَا تُقَدِّمُوا لأنْفُسِكُمْ مِنْ خَيْرٍ تَجِدُوهُ عِنْدَ اللَّهِ هُوَ خَيْرًا وَأَعْظَمَ أَجْرًا وَاسْتَغْفِرُوا اللَّهَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ غَفُورٌ رَحِيمٌ٠)

"...berikanlah pinjaman kepada Allah pinjaman yang baik. Dan kebaikan apa saja yang kamu perbuat untuk dirimu niscaya kamu memperoleh (balasan)nya di sisi Allah sebagai balasan yang paling baik dan yang paling besar pahalanya. Dan mohonlah ampunan kepada Allah; sesungguhnya Allah Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Penyayang." (QS. 73:20)