Weakness of This Heart

Its been a year. and i still wake up having dreams about him. Mimpi mainan syaitan, i guess these syaitans certainly know my weak point. After all that has happened, all the fights the arguments, the lies, the cheating, the wasted years with an unworthy guy like him, at least the dream could be of me murdering him or cutting him up into pieces or something. But no. Ironically is, no.

i was on a bus with him. his face was 2 inches away from mine. i felt that i might lose him the next second. i savaged all the advantage i have to just stare into his eyes. to look at that big ugly monkey face i used to love. and then he went away. he got off the bus. as i knew he would.

What is that? No its not hatred. its even far from lust, astaghfirullah. It is if i can word--tenderness. tenderness in this heart. It woke me up. i felt--sadness-- and as usual i started weeping. is it even love? when relationships are based on falsehood like that i don't know. but for certain, the intensity of feeling that i have for him is, for now, incomparable to anything. he once was a very big part of me, that i can't help regretting.

why am i feeling this way. why am i so weak.

how much time will it take for me to completely be free.

mungkin 1 year more.. or even more..

mungkin that position he once occupied is empty that is why i'll always be feeling a part is missing.

It's teaching me. how weak a human heart is. when you relied on what is itself, weak.

This time i know, i've learned from my mistake. that space is never to be wasted on anyone or anything not worthy of it.

That empty space, i want to accommodate with Allah's love.

mungkin one day, that space is for someone who has legitimate hak over it. 

my truly lawfully wedded future husband.

how things are really meant to be this way. 

how i have to get strong and continue moving on. 

i was in my telekung that time, wudhu pun tak batal lagi, i got up and prayed. what ever happened has happened. i prayed to stay on the path of guidance. i prayed for him to be guided also. 

Allah has planned everything out perfectly for me, that we in the end broke up and will never be like before. He has saved me from the life of sin i was living when around him. i came all the way to Egypt. i Alhamdulillah, became a completely different person than what i was before. or maybe i became what i actually am, but it was hidden underneath the lies of dunya i was deceived in living.

above all, i am happy to be where i am, to stand where is stand. once in a while like this, it'll hit me. but i'll be more than okay. more than okay each time. 

weakness taught me Allah.