Yet another breakdown, again

I can't handle serious things right now i just. Dont. Feel. Like it. I'd rather sleep and smell my hair, laugh, eat, watch a movie, shout my lungs out singing songs in the toilet. Thats right im living like a miserable life again by acting as if im not but feeling as if i am when the fact is, not. For gods sake there are A LOT of important, meaningful, beneficial things thats literally screaming for you to work on them! And when i realize this i would stop and still cant find that strength. Then i'd have to go through another breakdown. Geez. What do you think your life is worth ?????

And i don't feel like studying. When its really for real the most important thing to do right now. For my parents. For the people. For Allah.

Dont know what i want. Dunno how to get supposed things to feel right. Dunno where to start. Cant find that momentum, the melody.

I feel like a fake. So weak. In duas i'd cry so hard and hoped so much and i can feeel it coming the want and energy to do whats right and get serious cmon cmon, feel the spirit attain that peace again. But the moment after, lost. again.

Its really tiring :(

And dissappointing :(

And embarassing :(

Ya Allah its true. You dont have to prepare a whole army of men and weapons to destroy. My heart. Is the matter between Your Fingers. A little twist and here i am, at my weakest most fragile point.

Ini semua ujian kan? Syaitan yang ganggu hati ni. Atau Kesusahan yang bermaksud sebagai kifarah dosa.

I feel so weak. And lost. I cant tell it to anyone im ashamed to claim how lame i am. They wont understand. even i dont in exact. But its keeping me from doing whats right. Its holding me back from my duty and responsibility to myself, to my parents, to other people, to You.

I feel empty in this big space. I dont like sleeping alone. And not seeing people near me. When i get to do whatever i want and no one has to care. It makes my nafsu membuak2 dgn kemalasan and main2. I want to talk and reach out. Feel somekind of magical support. I need a push. An awakening.

Am i asking too much ya Allah? I'm ungrateful yes? I am so selfish.

Forgive me. But it still seemed like a dead end for me. I dont know what to do. I don't have anyone else :(

Isnt there anyone out there going through the same i am. Anyone who understands. And help me, keep me in my path.

Ya Allah, pabila Nabi Musa as bisa dengan kebesaran dan kemurahanMu memohon dijadikan Nabi Harun sebagai temannya supaya diteguhkan kekuatannya demi melaksanakan perintahMu dan bersama-sama membesarkanMu.

Behind the sheikh

I did some reading. Its making me think. A LOT. It answers to some of the questions and issues i've been going through. But ill write on it tomorrow or later insyaAllah. Its important and fun that i get to write on things that happens or what im thinking. For safe keeping until when you get old and you'd wanna look back to who you were before. Ngehngeh.

Anyways for now, i always feel like sharing this. Its funny. Makes you ponder also. Heheh.

O well there is this sheikh. I watched one of his vids on youtube. In between his speech, he slipped in a short story about, o well :

There is this lady. She adores him, a really a big fan of his lectures. Everynight she would watch his videos before she went off to sleep.

Until one day, came Allah's call, the lady got married to him.

And guess what, she never watch his lectures ever since. And theres one time she quoted "oh dear husband, gee, you sound more pious than you actually are"

The sheikh humbly agreed with astaghfirullah, and then giggles over it.

Cute right?? ;)

So yes. Don't "overestimate" the individuals giving away lectures and especially our friends who frequently tweet and update status-es on religious manners. They are only humans like everyone else. They're not perfect, they make mistakes. But Alhamdulillah still, they are blessed by Allah with their knowledge expressed in eloquent language and speech. Yang penting untuk kita yang membacanya, APA yang dia nak sampaikan tu (bukan siapa). Hehe.

Sebab selalu aje kita judge orang2 bernasihat while social networking ni. Either "eee dia ni bajet baik lah." Or "wah mesti baik gila diaa ni"

Hahah tengah2 cukup. Haa takdelah nak pandang rendah or sanjung melambung. Haa faham ke tak?

Kenapa aku rasa aku cakap macam orang tak faham? Haha pape je lah

K nightyos

Assalamualaikum.

Baca doa sebelum tidur.

Semoga Allah mengampuni dosa kita.

P/s: did i tell you? Today I happened to know someone close to me, is close to someone who has brain cancer with max years of life left = 6 years. They just knew about it from the doctor. Shes around our age. AllahuAkbar. Astaghfirullah. Made me  :'(  for a bit.

The Need to be Pretty.

" Wanita solehah itu tak suka mengenali dan dikenali, tak suka memandang dan dipandang, serta dibibirnya tak meniti nama-nama lelaki, dan di bibir-bibir lelaki tak meniti namanya." - Saidatina Fatimah ra.

i have the idea. i know how it looks like. That homey humble girl next door, full of modesty, full of humility. Selalu redha dengan yang sedikit, hidup dalam kesyukuran dan keihklasan. Hidupnya berkerja untuk yang lain selain dirinya. Diam, tetapi bijak apabila diperlukan bicaranya. Lembut, tetapi tegar jiwanya. Tenang dan sopan dalam setiap kondisi. Tak perlu cantik tetapi cukup sejuk mata memandang. The very RARE type of wanita, yknow.

I love it. I want it. I pray for it.

But the actual fact is, its not who i am right now. Far, instead.

Aurat aku, cara pergaulan aku, cara cakap aku, my body language. dah la aku ni style kalut  kelam kabut. sikit-sikit nak-- eeeekkk! terkejut sikit nak--Aaaak! Tergelak sikit tak beragak amplitudenya. The jiwa itself tuu, takde. Its like i have to work on changing myself 100 percent, 360 deg, which literally feels impossible.

How lucky it is for those seniors i see, whom has acquired what is seemingly so difficult for me to attain. Maybe they have always been raised that way. Maybe they inherited it from their mums. Maybe they have gone through so much, working their way to Allah that Allah has blessed them with such kindness and serenity in their hearts, beautiful akhlak in their personality.

Lepas tu came across this pula. Posted by pakcik tu pulak tu. ayoh terasanyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

if a true solehah muslimah is the girl who doesn't want to feel pretty, doesn't like looking pretty, then verily i am not one of them, yet, sadly. i mean look at me. my Facebook DP is myself. and i exceptionallly picked the most pretty ones to make it in my DP listings. Lol for some people its normal. but looking at my vision, my aspirations, asking who is it that i really want to be, what is the picture of me in 10 years time? What kind of wife, what type of mother, the type of woman human that i want to live my life ass???? Its not what i should be manifesting. There is no modesty to that, its VAIN! I know! i admit i agree. But...i can't feel it.. inside me.

i can't defy the fact that i like beautiful garments, looking elegant and most beautiful, especially (in a specific case), on my wedding day, for instance. Its always been every normal teenager's dream. Though so i did manage to overcome it some while ago. i agreed myself to a small moderate ceremony wearing whatever's there, the highlight is only to please guests with good meals, insyaAllah yang penting redha dan berkat Allah Taala serta pengisian selepas nikah. Tapi nooww, god knows how i've been browsing the internet berangan2 over beautiful wedding dresses. Like Irma Hasmie's. Emm. its always been that issue. What i am and what i actually want to be. Can't i have both? Can't i compromise some over some? Pleasee ??Hmmmmmmmmmmm ohtoke ?

Irma Hasmie's wedding dress. Lights me up each time.

Now that's the one. THE one. most perfect ! But so impossible sebab pakcik tu won't like it. 

Sopan. Love the soft pink color. But better with tudung labuh lagi

Entah la. Ya Allah. Memang la. Its not haraam if you want to wear pretty clothes. Semua balik pada niat. Asalkan tutup aurat. betul. betul. betul. Tapi i tau its not that kan pakcik? Its apakah yang patut ada pada diri seseorang yang benar2 hatinya pada Allah. Yang mengharapkan hanya yang terbaik, di mata Allah. Iyee..

Tapi aku ni terkejar dan suka, sedang tertipu dengan keindahan yang dunia ni tawarkan. Lepas tu aku tak tahu nak buat apa sebab aku rasa macam ni. iman aku tak tahap tu lagi. So i'll keep on praying, i guess. One day..

Ya Allah bantulah aku mencari yang tepat buatku. Jalan pertengahan dan kesederhanaan. Hadirkanlah perasaan redha dan syukur tu. Amin Rabbi

Your Biggest Enemy

My second week of third year class is ending. And this is the 2nd class i skipped. Gee when i was in Malaysia i was so enthusiastic to go back to Egypt and start my studies. To do it all over again this time the right way. But voila lookie me now. (speechless)

How shall i diagnose this irresponsible unreliable foolish behaviour of mine? Its like, i know exactly what i want. The picture of that person i want to be is so clear but i'm no where near it. And its not that i don't know how to get there, not that i don't want to, not that i can't. Or is it?

I know i hated, i despised the fact that i'm well known to be this late, mia person. When me and housemates had our classes rearranged, one finds that im in the same class as her, she had to autonomically respond "oh my farhah dah la tak datang kelas siapa la nak jalan pegi kelas dengan aku this year"

Im embarrassed, im disappointed by what my friends have to say about me.

Its like there are two sides of me. One who wants, who plans, who aspires so much for herself. And the other one who just don't want to care. And looking at who i am right not, the selfish decisions i've been making..that other side of me is so much in control. Too much. That bad nafs against the pure soul.. Verily your biggest enemy is yourself.

And not to mention my Ibadah is far off its supposed course. I don't feel Him--like how i use to feel Him. Which results in myself not reflecting what could have been reflected by a person of awareness to his Lord.

Maybe that is the cause. It is the only cause for everything.

I need a push. Like a constant, subsequent, accelerating drive. A reminder each time i find my goals hazy and my semangat down. What's first is me and my Allah. What'll follow are the solutions.

Solutions = Alternatives + strength and perseverance to undertake them

Solutions = hidayah + taufiq

But first of all above this, is taubat.

Ya Allah please help me im scared!

That the next second i find myself forgetting.