The Need to be Pretty.

" Wanita solehah itu tak suka mengenali dan dikenali, tak suka memandang dan dipandang, serta dibibirnya tak meniti nama-nama lelaki, dan di bibir-bibir lelaki tak meniti namanya." - Saidatina Fatimah ra.

i have the idea. i know how it looks like. That homey humble girl next door, full of modesty, full of humility. Selalu redha dengan yang sedikit, hidup dalam kesyukuran dan keihklasan. Hidupnya berkerja untuk yang lain selain dirinya. Diam, tetapi bijak apabila diperlukan bicaranya. Lembut, tetapi tegar jiwanya. Tenang dan sopan dalam setiap kondisi. Tak perlu cantik tetapi cukup sejuk mata memandang. The very RARE type of wanita, yknow.

I love it. I want it. I pray for it.

But the actual fact is, its not who i am right now. Far, instead.

Aurat aku, cara pergaulan aku, cara cakap aku, my body language. dah la aku ni style kalut  kelam kabut. sikit-sikit nak-- eeeekkk! terkejut sikit nak--Aaaak! Tergelak sikit tak beragak amplitudenya. The jiwa itself tuu, takde. Its like i have to work on changing myself 100 percent, 360 deg, which literally feels impossible.

How lucky it is for those seniors i see, whom has acquired what is seemingly so difficult for me to attain. Maybe they have always been raised that way. Maybe they inherited it from their mums. Maybe they have gone through so much, working their way to Allah that Allah has blessed them with such kindness and serenity in their hearts, beautiful akhlak in their personality.

Lepas tu came across this pula. Posted by pakcik tu pulak tu. ayoh terasanyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

if a true solehah muslimah is the girl who doesn't want to feel pretty, doesn't like looking pretty, then verily i am not one of them, yet, sadly. i mean look at me. my Facebook DP is myself. and i exceptionallly picked the most pretty ones to make it in my DP listings. Lol for some people its normal. but looking at my vision, my aspirations, asking who is it that i really want to be, what is the picture of me in 10 years time? What kind of wife, what type of mother, the type of woman human that i want to live my life ass???? Its not what i should be manifesting. There is no modesty to that, its VAIN! I know! i admit i agree. But...i can't feel it.. inside me.

i can't defy the fact that i like beautiful garments, looking elegant and most beautiful, especially (in a specific case), on my wedding day, for instance. Its always been every normal teenager's dream. Though so i did manage to overcome it some while ago. i agreed myself to a small moderate ceremony wearing whatever's there, the highlight is only to please guests with good meals, insyaAllah yang penting redha dan berkat Allah Taala serta pengisian selepas nikah. Tapi nooww, god knows how i've been browsing the internet berangan2 over beautiful wedding dresses. Like Irma Hasmie's. Emm. its always been that issue. What i am and what i actually want to be. Can't i have both? Can't i compromise some over some? Pleasee ??Hmmmmmmmmmmm ohtoke ?

Irma Hasmie's wedding dress. Lights me up each time.

Now that's the one. THE one. most perfect ! But so impossible sebab pakcik tu won't like it. 

Sopan. Love the soft pink color. But better with tudung labuh lagi

Entah la. Ya Allah. Memang la. Its not haraam if you want to wear pretty clothes. Semua balik pada niat. Asalkan tutup aurat. betul. betul. betul. Tapi i tau its not that kan pakcik? Its apakah yang patut ada pada diri seseorang yang benar2 hatinya pada Allah. Yang mengharapkan hanya yang terbaik, di mata Allah. Iyee..

Tapi aku ni terkejar dan suka, sedang tertipu dengan keindahan yang dunia ni tawarkan. Lepas tu aku tak tahu nak buat apa sebab aku rasa macam ni. iman aku tak tahap tu lagi. So i'll keep on praying, i guess. One day..

Ya Allah bantulah aku mencari yang tepat buatku. Jalan pertengahan dan kesederhanaan. Hadirkanlah perasaan redha dan syukur tu. Amin Rabbi