A Teacher and Student.

I once heard Nouman Ali Khan explaining, the feeling khushoo', he was picturing a situation, a preschool teacher in front teaching one whole quiet class. Then there are two students at the back talking and giggling to each other, secretly. Teacher caught them and yelled out their names. The two students go like terkejut, terus tunduk, instant takut and malu, suddenly all alert.

Now THAT, for a little while what they are feeling there, is khusyoo'.

The students acknowledge their wrongs and are feeling bad for doing it and getting caught, they acknowledge the superiority of the teacher over them.

...

To talk about teacher and student relationship and relating it with the Lord and the slave...

A teacher would of course has love and care for her students. When a kid is running around the school field and he fell and injured himself, while he is under her supervision, course she would worry. If he's been missing class for a week she'd call up his parents to ask about him. She cares, she loves, she bares this sense of responsibility towards him.

But is it with that love she has for him, that when he doesnt get his homework done, shes not gonna piss off and not give a little yank? With that care for him is she gonna give him free A's and let him pass exams easily?

And the most important thing, most solid thing for a teacher, no teacher would at all want her students to fail. If there's any of a teacher's biggest, most unselfish wish for any other being aside from her, is to see her students attain success. The pride and glory she felt looking at her former long gone student, now a full grown successfull man, great career etc, coming around visiting his late school and just briefly thanking her.

...

Allah He cares for us. SO MUCH. His most awesome most perfect creation is the creation of humans. The arabic word He uses to describe 'creating' us is different than what He uses to describe 'creating' earth and heavens and other things. Really, look it up, study bro Nouman's tafseer. He takes utmost PRIDE in creating us, moulding our structure, giving us life. From when we are a drop of liquid to such a complex organism occupying His land.

Why would Allah want to ever shower you with his blessings and forgiveness? Not because of the countless honorable deeds you may have been doing your whole life (if you've done such), not even because you asked for it, He still give you, more and even more, because again, you are His. You are His slave and He is Your master.

Imagine a tired mom not sleeping at nights, comforting her crying baby, attending to her needs, not even having the feeling to whine or complain about it. Because thats HER baby there, HER daughter, HER own flesh and blood, that came out of HER. and she is HERS.

And WE ARE HIS. Most of us forget, are oblivious to the reality of this supreme feeling, if theres anything to be grateful of, is that HE IS OURS. Rabbi, MY Rabb. Rabbuna, OUR Rabb.

...

He created the heavens and he takes pride in honoring you with the blessings and happiness from Him.

He created hellfire and He would almost hate to see His slaves having to be punished and suffer there.

He showed you the way to good,  and to worst. Created Hell not that he wants you to there. Created heavens not that you are entitled to attain it so easily.

And all of this, this system, this principle, is only for your own good.

Its all up to you, and the choices you make. The last thing a lazy student can do is putting the blame on his teacher.

Semoga kita dapat mencari kestabilan dan ketenangan di antara HARAP dan TAKUT kepada Allah, Tuhan KITA.

Semoga kita dapat menghayati dan mengagungkan, nilai dan kedudukan Allah dalam diri kita, cinta dan syukur kita padanya. Lebih dari ibu bapa kita dan orang lain.

To love at any circumstances

There are lots of circumstances for everyone where you come to sorta hate or dislike another person, be surprisingly irritated or annoyed by another, either for them being just  themselves or for the faults that they had actually committed to you or others.

Either its an ex that cheated and treated you with no ounce of appreciation towards your years of life with him, a housemate not knowing how to settle their own dishes, roommates that lack respect of your rights and privacy, your irresponsible group mate thats always a no-show leaving you with tons plus another ton of crap to settle, the other girl that looked too pretty and too loved, or just that hye bye friend whom her ways are so different than yours thats harder to get along and whats left between you two is only judgements.

Have you ever wonder, what if, in reference to the much of dislike you have towards them, Allah on the other hand, loves them, EVEN MORE than He loves you. How kita tgk dia sebelah mata je, but Allah values them and their ranks are positioned higher closeat to Him.

Kita boleh fikir je org tu jahat ye, kureengg sikit, tp macam mana kalau kita fikir, dia BELUM jadi baik. Baiknya who knows even better than we may ever be. Mungkin Allah sedang uji dia dgn kekurangan dia tu. Yg mana Allah tak uji kita dari segi tu. Dan mungkin sangat Allah sedang menguji KITA, bagaimana kita menghadapi orang2 yg kurang/tak baik dia mata kita ni.

Ada kakak kata, theres a hadis, somewhat sounding like dont judge orang yg buat dosa di siang hari sbb mungkin dia bertaubat pada Allah dan menyesali kesalahan n kekurangannya di malam hari.

Another one on a person one day, brought up front to Allah and his endless good deeds are mentioned, the angels are ready to escort him to Jannah. But Allah says..NO, his place is in hell. Because in his single deeds there is no IKHLAS. And that is the matter only Allah knows, yang Maha Mengetahui, Maha Adil, semua kuasa di TanganNya.

Imagine that person that looks so evil, but who knows he makes taubat everyday to Allah crying. His good deeds are so little and so small, but his heart to it, verily he did it only for Allah.

Compared to us yang keletak keletuk solat tak pernah miss, tp hati tak pernah hadir.

A friend cerita, jgn kau hina orang yg dah berzina dan terlalu byknya dosanya apabila sungguh2 dia menyesal nak taubat pada Allah. Kedudukannya lebih tinggi dari orang yg selalu solat tapi sekali tu tertinggal solat subuh, tp hati takde rasa penyesalan etc.

Ter pernah alami this except kat egypt ni. Where i got to know of someone, whose not really that fond of me. Talks about me behind my back and to other friends. Shes Just easily 'annoyed' by me, my presence. which is weird -.- and useless.

yang paling sedihnya, ever since i knew that, i found myself treating her differently also. hmmm. which is a no no good.

One thing about loving those who love you, and also loving even if he on the other hand, hates you.

One thing to forgive out of love when people accidently hurt you, and to forgive also even though he did it on purpose.

Once there was this man who really hated this other guy, caught saying "Man i'd kill him given the chance". One day, the first guy died. And the good second guy went to this hating dead guy's family and tells them, "Now that you lost the head of your home, whatever you need, i am here for you, please come to me for things you used to come for to your dad."

The people are asking "You should be happy now he is gone, why are you doing this, that guy is hateful towards you." and he replies, "How can anyone be happy towards the death of a believer ? Whatever's between me and their late dad is only between us."

Bottom line, live life with Nabi saw's standards, higher in mercy and compassion and humility. My advice to myself, jangan la benci sesape, tak suka sesape, malu pd Allah dgn kedudukan kita sebenarnya ni. Uhu uhu.

Regrets.

Allah nak aku bangun sendiri. Dan ubah sendiri apa yang dalam diri aku sekarang. Berharap hanya pada Dia. Dan hidup, bukan itu untuk bersenang lenang je. Yes.

I was looking at old pictures yesterday. The days masa dekat UiTM dulu. Those happy, fun, out going days. The days when i was just going with the flow andd..entah. There were no worries. I miss it. Yes.

Being here, its harder, tougher, im stressed. Because of the realities you have to face. Mostly now, because im finally having real aims and expectations for myself. It kills me when im not putting up with it. Serious geram sgt dgn diri sendiri.

Pagi tadi bangun, lambat nak gi kelas but aku still dgn kelam kabutnya siap jugak. Dah pakai baju tu, looking at myself in the mirror, i see those lines kat tudung n my kemeja (i didnt iron them properly). Tetiba jadi tension sgt. Mcm bodoh gila. Geez tiap2 hari macam ni. Sampai bila aku nak macam ni. Tak teratur. Tak pernah sehari pergi kelas dalam keadaan BERSEDIA. Tiap hari saje nak memanjang2 kan lagi tidur tuu, lepas tu lambat, terkejar2 macam ni.  aarrrrgghhh i hate myself!!

Last night before tidur i was reading buku "Cinta di Rumah Hasan Al Banna". Ya Allah, he (may Allah bless him) is..such an inspiration! I was reading until like page 15. What i can learn from it is...DISCIPLINE. Assyahid Imam Hasan Al Banna..is the ultimate exemplary of an organized man, a leader, a muslim, who sleeps 4 hours a day, the rest of the hours busy with his daawah, his family.

I dont know which is worst..having to cry and rasa down sangat tengok keadaan diri aku berbanding hamba Allah yang lain (sesal bukan menaikkan tapi dlm keadaan menjatuhkan, takde mood nak buat benda lain), or even after the total resentment pun, im still not changing :(

Aku perasan. Semenjak aku cuba nak bina balik diri aku lepas aku lalui zaman jahiliyyah aku, susahnyaaa.. Its been so longg actually..the last time i remembered..masa aku form 3. Tahun where i'm still being me,still budak "debe" sekolah. Pakai tudung senget2 even terbalik pon boleh (haha sumpah lawak). Pegi sekolah pun lambat..BUT, i was completely aware and aku mmg nak and tak kisah. I have my reasons. I stand by my principles. I was inspired by Stephen R Covey teamed with kuliah maghrib Ust Mat Noor. Masa form 3 were the days.. I wake up for tahajjud. Jaga rawatib. Where i actually hate the act of sleeping. I thought sleeping is a waste of time and does not bring you any good, yknow. Balik sekolah solat terus buka meja kecik tu untuk study. Looking around and wondering why in the world are these people wasting their time sleeping. I love to write diaries. Express my thought about stuffs and mostly self improvements (which i actually follow and live by). Tiap hari mesti baca english newspaper (the star or NST) and highlight perkataan aku tak faham. Master grammar and build up vocabs just for my sake of ilm. Selalu call up my parents. Time nak exam nangis2 dgn semangat, im doing this for them. Orang lain i remembered sibuk dgn geng. Mandi sama makan sama. And me, im only 'moving solo' and just friends with everyone (the hye bye friends). Sit anywhere with anyone, is fine with me (Least after huda dah tak duduk asrama, our geng tak sehidup semati mcm before). No peer pressure. Was not in need of anyone to feel good, and to do what i have to do. I was living my life the way i wanted, the way yg selari dgn apa yang aku rasa benar, selari dgn roh aku. I was at peace. I felt free. Tahun tu aku duduk kelas num 2 aku rasa. Budak selenge, tapi syukur pada Allah, time PMR trials i ranked number 3 dalam sekolah. Alhamdulillah. Tak sangka kan ?

Form 4 aku buat hal. Start malas nak belajar. Break rules excessively,(bukan setakat pegi kelas lambat), sampai kene buang sekolah. Aku bergaul dgn orang tak tentu pasal,hasil melepak kat kl (i'm never letting my kids hangout unless im sending them and i know their who their friends are). I gone freehair. Tipu ayah ibu. Too involved with boyfriend. Baik buruk semua campur. I lost myself :( I compromised who i was and my stands until everything is a mess and im totally just LOST. And now its like im having to pick up all the pieces and start all over again, to build myself.

And sekarang..aku budak 2 bulan ponteng class. Seminggu sekali dua je pegi kelas. Even paginya aku bangun tahajud dan menangis pun, siangnya aku dah lupa and aku tak jugak pegi kelas. Duduk rumah tidur, online, pergi masak ke kemas rumah ke buat kek ke apa2 lah..EXCEPT studying. Kalau part nak buka buku tu kene ada extra force n paksaan. Gee. Dont i love my field? Am i not fond of diseases and drugs and knowing answers about my dad's hypertension, my mom's anaemia, my atuk's stone problem in his urinary tract ? Am i not excited and intrigued and honoured to be well of knowledge and help save a life ?

I hate myself those moments i open my eyes from sleep. Shes not thinking properly. Shes making decisions thats making me tanggung the dissapointments and regrets. Ya Allah susahnya :( susah sangat nak lawan diri nii ya Allah susah betul ni tak tipu :'(  kenapa untuk orang lain senang je. Ya Allah aku tak pernah ada masalah macam ni (or selama ni aku tak pernah anggap ini sbg masalah???) Sometimes things just run smoothly. For other ppl its running smoothly. Tapi aku, sekarang ni?? Rasa kene berperang tiap2 hari. Itu sepatutnya. Tapi hakikat sebenarnya, selalunya, aku ni malas, so still aku buat dek je. lepas tu menyesal.

How anymore oblivious and reckless can i be in making my very own decisions, in determining my very own future ??

Somehow aku tahu..dengan banyaknya masa aku yg terluang dan sedikitnya orang yang bermakna ada di sekeliling aku, Allah nak aku belajar untuk bergantung hanya pada dia..peluang memperbanyakkan ibadah dan mengukuhkan hubungan aku dengan Dia..akan tiba masa hidup aku akan jadi sibuk dan lagi banyak tanggungjawab (masa kerja and dah berkeluarga nanti)

And somehow aku juga rasa, aku ni jenis org yg..sgt sikit sense of conscience. Tak takut langsung dengan decisions yang aku buat ni akan mengakibatkan macam2 pada diri aku. Main pakai buat je apa yang aku rasa nak buat. Jenis yang oblivious. Nak tunggu orang tegur, baru nak "eh yaAllah". Lepas tu insaf...hm esoknya...???

Jadi macam mana nii...how la for me..i've been running in circles. And im really tired..

I need motivation. CONSTANT motivation. Maybe a scary monster each morning to stand by my bed and threatening to slash my throat if i dont get my ass off bed. Maybe a really terrible horrible dream of how its like in jahannam ? The regrets. Yes. I hated regrets. Im scared of regrets. If theres anything i'd pray of is for Allah to avoid me the remorse pain of regrets.

Your sorry, made my everything, isn't worth a dime.

What kind of parents say sorry to their kids?

MY KIND.

My dad, i sent him an email, for the first time in my life, i was actually being frank to him, about everything (not all, but only everything he needs to know), my lame life. i cant help to cry when i was typing. i was literally scared, is he going to be pissed, taken aback, terguris hati? will he cut me off with a "get studying and stop being a baby" sorta comeback....

He rarely opens his email (i guessed). hopefully he doesn't at all. or maybe i should just give it a week, like that. To my surprise, the day after, my phone rang with an email, showing his face. He replied. quite fast. very! cuak gila! i cannot open it, i cannot open it, i shall not read it ! Im not ready to face what he thinks of me..and the 'dictation'.

...


I WAS WRONG.

I TRULY UNDERMINED HIM.

His reply, was brief but concise. Exactly what i needed. My heart was throbbing. He is right. He's always been so.

Gee, this is the first time i think i got to reach that other side of him. Somehow i felt so close to him.

I didn't get back to him, didn't call him at all until now. I'm kinda waiting for him to do so. But it doesn't matter. Getting back to him and saying "Thank you ayah." and "No ayah, I should be the one saying sorry" is not enough. NOT ever enough.

As far as my concern goes, my sorry will never equate to his sacrifice, his understanding of me, his love for me. I will forever be grateful of you, forever be thankful, forever i will owe you, that in a million years of anything  can never outrun it.

...

I'll hold on to this feeling, and use it in my duas.

My dad, he does not deserve my forgiveness or anything else, except that from the moment he breathe his first air in this world, the moment his voice is heard, that moment his eyes opened, HE IS FORGIVEN BY ALLAH. From that day he is born, and now, until after and after and after, no matter what, it is only fair that he deserves, for Allah Almighty, the All Kind, All Merciful, All Forgiving, to excuse all his sins, to be showered with Allah's thorough Love and Compassion, blessed with His mercy only.

For he is a father, who said that tiny "sorry" to his child. When he verily is not, is never in the position to do so...but he did say so. When me, myself, on the other hand, i had always wronged him. It was I who was always hurting him, not him. not ever...Still, he told me he was sorry...


And now i owe him my life.


Ya Allah..i don't know how to repay him. I'm embarrassed. He deserved nothing more, not a word, not a tear, nor gold nor position is equivalent, but it is Your utter blessing and forgiveness. The day when there is no other savior but you, when everyone is greedy for Your forgiveness, O Allah, please forgive my father.


I miss you, and by Allah, i love you so much ayah. If only you know. i couldn't thank you enough. But Allah, He shall be the one to thank you. And Allah, only He can make it enough for you.

:'(

Oh Allah, please forgive my ibu also.. when i was in malaysia, i was always in an argument with her. i kept sinning, im such a disobedient child, i cant control my emotions when i'm with ibu..and ayah.. :( its 3 times already i dream of them. When my mom cant send me to the airport. she was sad..she kept calling me. i was sad too ibu. i was sad too you couldnt make it..I didnt get to say sorry..Please forgive me ibu. Ya Allah please forgive my parents..

Solat.

Assalamualaikum wrt.

I sometimes think of stuffs. and thought of writing it down..but most of the times i didn't. I find it quite hard to translate my thoughts and ideas into words and make it thoroughly conveyed, the exact reflection of each other. (hahah maybe i lack that eloquent vocab). But i know this time i need to. i couldn't risk forgetting and not documenting it. hihiks

Solat. Sembahyang. 

There is no such thing in the world that you do, and the moment you do it, is you get engaged in thinking of thinking of something OTHER than its purpose of doing, EXCEPT, SOLAT.
(try to read it a few times stressing the highlighted words) 

yeah. I mean, as soon as AllahuAkbar. you're lost. Either imagining, recalling, brainstorming, planning. Most lazim questions are, "Gee what do i have to do next." "i feel like baking this cake.." " oh yeah my oven, when to repair it" "Cabs are so hard to get these days" "Egypt's weird..." blablaba. Next thingg you know. geez i think i'm in 2nd rakaat, what have i been thinking about all the while AGAIN????"  

Ironically, the types of thoughts and questions that NEVER pop up in your head while you're doing other things ALWAYS HAS TO appear in between AllahuAkbar and Assalamualaikum wrt. like, SERIOUSLY. ITS CHRONIC !! almost a magical mystery ! A wonder! Solat is like programmed in our heads for this !

You never berangan, unless, you actually paused whatever you're doing and then start your berangan-ing. Theres no such thing as belajar sambil berangan. INTERMITTENT belajar 2 minit, then berangan 5 minit ada lah. That moment when you start imagining, pap! you're no more studying. that topic you're revision-ing pushed to the back of your mind, your day dreaming get it way in your main thinking box. Your mind can't comprehend thinking about 2 things at once. faham tak?

So all this while KITA NI SOLAT KE BERANGAN?????????

And what about DOA? DUA'? Habis je solat, (solat tak rasa cam apa2 sangat), start je tadah tangan tuu..fuuuh...rasa lain. rasa naak sangat. Bila doa, boleh pulak kita concentrate begging hoping asking TO ALLAH..(Alhamdulillah for those who/when we concentrated)..with all our heart we get to feel kerendahan, lemah dan hinanya diri kita ni..We needed Him so bad, He's listening to us, and is responding..that we cry so hard and attain such peace afterwards. Itu doa. Sedangkan solat? It is the means, the ONLY means by which we are connected DIRECTLY to Him. Dan doa pula, (as to my level of knowledge) has to pass by stages to reach Allah. He would know, yes for sure He is the All Knower. But it is with His control also, of how the procedures run, that the dua' may be rejected on its way up. (due to all sorts haram consumption, etc)

Solat is the opportunity,  Your Creator gave you, for you to come SPEAK to Him. How do you feel speaking to your visible friend? what comes in your mind? 

That feeling, you want to say something and you say it, you're understanding what you're saying, you're listening it by your own ears, confirming it well said and that your friend hears it and will come to an understanding of it also, the message is delivered, you wait and are looking up to his response. Especially when you're in a serious communication with your friend. Nothing else can occupy your heart and mind. 

Solat is NOT an act of ritual comprising of strange actions and not-understandable spells and summonings. 

Stand tall during solat and OPEN YOUR EYES. BE IN THE MOMENT. DON'T GO DEEP IN YOUR HEART FOR WHATEVER WRONG REASONS AND GET LOST IN YOUR THINKING. Ada yang solat time tahiyyat dia macam gerak-gerak kiri kanan (macam berzikir). Adakah lagu apa yang tengah dibaca tu?? Allow me to quote something from a very interesting article i ran into:

Khushoo is not a synonym for weeping or lowering one’s gaze. Umar  (may Allāh be pleased with him) saw a young man lowering his head, so he said to him: “What is this? Raise your head, for indeed this (kind of) khushoo does not increase what is in the heart. Whosoever displays a khushoo that does not stem from the heart, then it is hypocrisy added to hypocrisy.“

(i assume "lowering his head" means to lower it too much. This hits me real hard, as i remembered, I've been there. Did it when i was in high school.)

Let it come naturally, automatically, you're another slave, honoring the time, engaging in a conversation with your Lord. Acknowledging your weak and dependent self. You're praising Him as he deserves and thanking Him as He ought to be.

There is an ayaaat in Quran, saying to lower your voice in solat. Allah, He hears you, He knows whats in your heart. Yang dalam hati tu penting ! Imagine you're whispering something to a friend, to his ears. That feeling. Doesn't need to be loud, enough when understood and felt by both parties.


 Solat should NOT be done, with the feeling to load off a burden. Hah k, berdiri tunduk sujud, berdiri tunduk sujud, cepat cepat done ! Asal dah buat sudah la tak? -.-

Contoh paling dekat dalam hati aku: 

Setiap kali masak, aku mesti masak lamaa, sebab aku ni amateur, and proses "merasa" edit2 garam gula garam gula tuu or asam blabla mesti nak sampai yg tahap aku puas hati,,orang lain pun sedaplah nak makan. and bila aku solat sekadar nak lepas macam tu, umpamanya aku campak segala bagai, pap! dah.. takde sikit pun a responsible feeling nak rasa macam mana masakan tu, nak bg org makan. lantak korang ah rasa apa telan je lah apa aku buat. 

kurang ajar itu namanya. Tak adil kepada Allah.

i watched this video and it gave me better understanding of solat:

**Sekadar renungan**

A few times i came across people performing solat, and their eyes were looking forward and wandering (not down on sujood place), as if he is 'thinking' of a lot of things. And once someone solat in the living room, TV was on, dia tengok tv tuu sambil tengah berdiri solat. hmm.

"Seseorang menunaikan solat, tetapi tidak ditulis baginya separuh, satu pertiga, satu suku, satu perlima, satu perenam, satu persepuluh. Hanya ditulis baginya daripada solatnya mengikut kadar apa yang dia faham dari solatnya"

(rujuk from buku Pengenalan Ilmu Tasawwuf Untuk Remaja Islam)

Yet another breakdown, again

I can't handle serious things right now i just. Dont. Feel. Like it. I'd rather sleep and smell my hair, laugh, eat, watch a movie, shout my lungs out singing songs in the toilet. Thats right im living like a miserable life again by acting as if im not but feeling as if i am when the fact is, not. For gods sake there are A LOT of important, meaningful, beneficial things thats literally screaming for you to work on them! And when i realize this i would stop and still cant find that strength. Then i'd have to go through another breakdown. Geez. What do you think your life is worth ?????

And i don't feel like studying. When its really for real the most important thing to do right now. For my parents. For the people. For Allah.

Dont know what i want. Dunno how to get supposed things to feel right. Dunno where to start. Cant find that momentum, the melody.

I feel like a fake. So weak. In duas i'd cry so hard and hoped so much and i can feeel it coming the want and energy to do whats right and get serious cmon cmon, feel the spirit attain that peace again. But the moment after, lost. again.

Its really tiring :(

And dissappointing :(

And embarassing :(

Ya Allah its true. You dont have to prepare a whole army of men and weapons to destroy. My heart. Is the matter between Your Fingers. A little twist and here i am, at my weakest most fragile point.

Ini semua ujian kan? Syaitan yang ganggu hati ni. Atau Kesusahan yang bermaksud sebagai kifarah dosa.

I feel so weak. And lost. I cant tell it to anyone im ashamed to claim how lame i am. They wont understand. even i dont in exact. But its keeping me from doing whats right. Its holding me back from my duty and responsibility to myself, to my parents, to other people, to You.

I feel empty in this big space. I dont like sleeping alone. And not seeing people near me. When i get to do whatever i want and no one has to care. It makes my nafsu membuak2 dgn kemalasan and main2. I want to talk and reach out. Feel somekind of magical support. I need a push. An awakening.

Am i asking too much ya Allah? I'm ungrateful yes? I am so selfish.

Forgive me. But it still seemed like a dead end for me. I dont know what to do. I don't have anyone else :(

Isnt there anyone out there going through the same i am. Anyone who understands. And help me, keep me in my path.

Ya Allah, pabila Nabi Musa as bisa dengan kebesaran dan kemurahanMu memohon dijadikan Nabi Harun sebagai temannya supaya diteguhkan kekuatannya demi melaksanakan perintahMu dan bersama-sama membesarkanMu.

Behind the sheikh

I did some reading. Its making me think. A LOT. It answers to some of the questions and issues i've been going through. But ill write on it tomorrow or later insyaAllah. Its important and fun that i get to write on things that happens or what im thinking. For safe keeping until when you get old and you'd wanna look back to who you were before. Ngehngeh.

Anyways for now, i always feel like sharing this. Its funny. Makes you ponder also. Heheh.

O well there is this sheikh. I watched one of his vids on youtube. In between his speech, he slipped in a short story about, o well :

There is this lady. She adores him, a really a big fan of his lectures. Everynight she would watch his videos before she went off to sleep.

Until one day, came Allah's call, the lady got married to him.

And guess what, she never watch his lectures ever since. And theres one time she quoted "oh dear husband, gee, you sound more pious than you actually are"

The sheikh humbly agreed with astaghfirullah, and then giggles over it.

Cute right?? ;)

So yes. Don't "overestimate" the individuals giving away lectures and especially our friends who frequently tweet and update status-es on religious manners. They are only humans like everyone else. They're not perfect, they make mistakes. But Alhamdulillah still, they are blessed by Allah with their knowledge expressed in eloquent language and speech. Yang penting untuk kita yang membacanya, APA yang dia nak sampaikan tu (bukan siapa). Hehe.

Sebab selalu aje kita judge orang2 bernasihat while social networking ni. Either "eee dia ni bajet baik lah." Or "wah mesti baik gila diaa ni"

Hahah tengah2 cukup. Haa takdelah nak pandang rendah or sanjung melambung. Haa faham ke tak?

Kenapa aku rasa aku cakap macam orang tak faham? Haha pape je lah

K nightyos

Assalamualaikum.

Baca doa sebelum tidur.

Semoga Allah mengampuni dosa kita.

P/s: did i tell you? Today I happened to know someone close to me, is close to someone who has brain cancer with max years of life left = 6 years. They just knew about it from the doctor. Shes around our age. AllahuAkbar. Astaghfirullah. Made me  :'(  for a bit.

The Need to be Pretty.

" Wanita solehah itu tak suka mengenali dan dikenali, tak suka memandang dan dipandang, serta dibibirnya tak meniti nama-nama lelaki, dan di bibir-bibir lelaki tak meniti namanya." - Saidatina Fatimah ra.

i have the idea. i know how it looks like. That homey humble girl next door, full of modesty, full of humility. Selalu redha dengan yang sedikit, hidup dalam kesyukuran dan keihklasan. Hidupnya berkerja untuk yang lain selain dirinya. Diam, tetapi bijak apabila diperlukan bicaranya. Lembut, tetapi tegar jiwanya. Tenang dan sopan dalam setiap kondisi. Tak perlu cantik tetapi cukup sejuk mata memandang. The very RARE type of wanita, yknow.

I love it. I want it. I pray for it.

But the actual fact is, its not who i am right now. Far, instead.

Aurat aku, cara pergaulan aku, cara cakap aku, my body language. dah la aku ni style kalut  kelam kabut. sikit-sikit nak-- eeeekkk! terkejut sikit nak--Aaaak! Tergelak sikit tak beragak amplitudenya. The jiwa itself tuu, takde. Its like i have to work on changing myself 100 percent, 360 deg, which literally feels impossible.

How lucky it is for those seniors i see, whom has acquired what is seemingly so difficult for me to attain. Maybe they have always been raised that way. Maybe they inherited it from their mums. Maybe they have gone through so much, working their way to Allah that Allah has blessed them with such kindness and serenity in their hearts, beautiful akhlak in their personality.

Lepas tu came across this pula. Posted by pakcik tu pulak tu. ayoh terasanyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

if a true solehah muslimah is the girl who doesn't want to feel pretty, doesn't like looking pretty, then verily i am not one of them, yet, sadly. i mean look at me. my Facebook DP is myself. and i exceptionallly picked the most pretty ones to make it in my DP listings. Lol for some people its normal. but looking at my vision, my aspirations, asking who is it that i really want to be, what is the picture of me in 10 years time? What kind of wife, what type of mother, the type of woman human that i want to live my life ass???? Its not what i should be manifesting. There is no modesty to that, its VAIN! I know! i admit i agree. But...i can't feel it.. inside me.

i can't defy the fact that i like beautiful garments, looking elegant and most beautiful, especially (in a specific case), on my wedding day, for instance. Its always been every normal teenager's dream. Though so i did manage to overcome it some while ago. i agreed myself to a small moderate ceremony wearing whatever's there, the highlight is only to please guests with good meals, insyaAllah yang penting redha dan berkat Allah Taala serta pengisian selepas nikah. Tapi nooww, god knows how i've been browsing the internet berangan2 over beautiful wedding dresses. Like Irma Hasmie's. Emm. its always been that issue. What i am and what i actually want to be. Can't i have both? Can't i compromise some over some? Pleasee ??Hmmmmmmmmmmm ohtoke ?

Irma Hasmie's wedding dress. Lights me up each time.

Now that's the one. THE one. most perfect ! But so impossible sebab pakcik tu won't like it. 

Sopan. Love the soft pink color. But better with tudung labuh lagi

Entah la. Ya Allah. Memang la. Its not haraam if you want to wear pretty clothes. Semua balik pada niat. Asalkan tutup aurat. betul. betul. betul. Tapi i tau its not that kan pakcik? Its apakah yang patut ada pada diri seseorang yang benar2 hatinya pada Allah. Yang mengharapkan hanya yang terbaik, di mata Allah. Iyee..

Tapi aku ni terkejar dan suka, sedang tertipu dengan keindahan yang dunia ni tawarkan. Lepas tu aku tak tahu nak buat apa sebab aku rasa macam ni. iman aku tak tahap tu lagi. So i'll keep on praying, i guess. One day..

Ya Allah bantulah aku mencari yang tepat buatku. Jalan pertengahan dan kesederhanaan. Hadirkanlah perasaan redha dan syukur tu. Amin Rabbi

Your Biggest Enemy

My second week of third year class is ending. And this is the 2nd class i skipped. Gee when i was in Malaysia i was so enthusiastic to go back to Egypt and start my studies. To do it all over again this time the right way. But voila lookie me now. (speechless)

How shall i diagnose this irresponsible unreliable foolish behaviour of mine? Its like, i know exactly what i want. The picture of that person i want to be is so clear but i'm no where near it. And its not that i don't know how to get there, not that i don't want to, not that i can't. Or is it?

I know i hated, i despised the fact that i'm well known to be this late, mia person. When me and housemates had our classes rearranged, one finds that im in the same class as her, she had to autonomically respond "oh my farhah dah la tak datang kelas siapa la nak jalan pegi kelas dengan aku this year"

Im embarrassed, im disappointed by what my friends have to say about me.

Its like there are two sides of me. One who wants, who plans, who aspires so much for herself. And the other one who just don't want to care. And looking at who i am right not, the selfish decisions i've been making..that other side of me is so much in control. Too much. That bad nafs against the pure soul.. Verily your biggest enemy is yourself.

And not to mention my Ibadah is far off its supposed course. I don't feel Him--like how i use to feel Him. Which results in myself not reflecting what could have been reflected by a person of awareness to his Lord.

Maybe that is the cause. It is the only cause for everything.

I need a push. Like a constant, subsequent, accelerating drive. A reminder each time i find my goals hazy and my semangat down. What's first is me and my Allah. What'll follow are the solutions.

Solutions = Alternatives + strength and perseverance to undertake them

Solutions = hidayah + taufiq

But first of all above this, is taubat.

Ya Allah please help me im scared!

That the next second i find myself forgetting.

Weakness of This Heart

Its been a year. and i still wake up having dreams about him. Mimpi mainan syaitan, i guess these syaitans certainly know my weak point. After all that has happened, all the fights the arguments, the lies, the cheating, the wasted years with an unworthy guy like him, at least the dream could be of me murdering him or cutting him up into pieces or something. But no. Ironically is, no.

i was on a bus with him. his face was 2 inches away from mine. i felt that i might lose him the next second. i savaged all the advantage i have to just stare into his eyes. to look at that big ugly monkey face i used to love. and then he went away. he got off the bus. as i knew he would.

What is that? No its not hatred. its even far from lust, astaghfirullah. It is if i can word--tenderness. tenderness in this heart. It woke me up. i felt--sadness-- and as usual i started weeping. is it even love? when relationships are based on falsehood like that i don't know. but for certain, the intensity of feeling that i have for him is, for now, incomparable to anything. he once was a very big part of me, that i can't help regretting.

why am i feeling this way. why am i so weak.

how much time will it take for me to completely be free.

mungkin 1 year more.. or even more..

mungkin that position he once occupied is empty that is why i'll always be feeling a part is missing.

It's teaching me. how weak a human heart is. when you relied on what is itself, weak.

This time i know, i've learned from my mistake. that space is never to be wasted on anyone or anything not worthy of it.

That empty space, i want to accommodate with Allah's love.

mungkin one day, that space is for someone who has legitimate hak over it. 

my truly lawfully wedded future husband.

how things are really meant to be this way. 

how i have to get strong and continue moving on. 

i was in my telekung that time, wudhu pun tak batal lagi, i got up and prayed. what ever happened has happened. i prayed to stay on the path of guidance. i prayed for him to be guided also. 

Allah has planned everything out perfectly for me, that we in the end broke up and will never be like before. He has saved me from the life of sin i was living when around him. i came all the way to Egypt. i Alhamdulillah, became a completely different person than what i was before. or maybe i became what i actually am, but it was hidden underneath the lies of dunya i was deceived in living.

above all, i am happy to be where i am, to stand where is stand. once in a while like this, it'll hit me. but i'll be more than okay. more than okay each time. 

weakness taught me Allah. 

Drama Addictions

i watched a korean drama, and it took me one whole night finishing it -.- I'm really dissappointed with myself right now. ya Allah where has it gone all my promises to You? WAKE UP FARHAH! this dunia you're living is  a total lie! Don't be deceived. tahu tak how precious time is??? tahu tak how you're running out of it??? and tahu tak there is soo much so many things to do, you can't afford to waste it away like this. ya Allah. When i attended a majlis agama, i often felt this awakening sense of how there are so many things i lack, i don't know, and that there is not a second to waste. all that i'm up to right now, my time given by Allah, He will ask me what good i had acquired by it. i need to learn the Quran, i need to seek more knowledge of You, my deen, i need to study--develop expertise in this medical field i've been entrusted by Allah to conquer. I need to serve people, make good out of everything for myself, and the people around me. And then there is da'wah, my responsibility baring the Syahadah. Generalizing everything, in consciousness of Your presence, i need to be ready, i need to prepare myself, before the day i stand before You. 

But look at me right now? 

ISTIGHFAR. (an advise from a very dear friend)

Yes. ya Allah sincerely from my very heart, i don't know how to demarcate that line i should not cross in everything i do. how to achieve 'moderation' in doing stuffs. Nouman Ali Khan, he doesn't watch filth you know. i guess i'm agreeing with him, its not wise for muslims to be attached to the fallacies and fantasies or dunia, either by addicted to gaming, to facebook-ing, twittering, even movies that does no good to you, which causes you to get 'busy', trapped and limited in the little world you've created of yourself--that's making you unaware of your surrounding, heedless of reality. I mean i cursed  the habit of how boys are so indulged in gaming, their life practically revolves around it. talk about sitting on the couch for hours and hours and hours (even animals can't keep up with this)--living the fantasy life the game evokes. 

o well hello farhah samsul kamal you just stayed awake one whole night sitting on that one tiny chair in front of that laptop and watched a useless drama that gives you nothing but the feeling of 'gedikness?'--'sparks of love?'--nothing but fantasy--again. you are that 'loveless' ah? WHAT BULL?! 

but its not that you can't watch a movie sometime or whenever, still--do you have to allocate the whole night for it? i mean you can go solat tahajjud, pray to Allah kan lagi worthy in the eyes of Allah? lagi valuable in your saham akhirat? walaupun dulu da janji tengok movie once a week, that 'once' can't account for one whole day okay? stop it la stop please stop!

Its funny, its informative and it strikes deep to your heart. WATCH IT!

Ya Allah with this so many temptations of dunia, please teach me, move this heart ya Allah, abolish it from 'ghaflaa' (obliviousness) so that it is more inclined towards what is good, that it is aware of what is right and wrong, what is appropriate and not. ya Allah i need to get a real grip of reality and my stand, keeping up and staying on the 'middle line' living a balanced life of moderation, the life of a Muslim. Ameen.

Reflect Upon Knowledge

I am so sleepy masyaAllah this is the cost you have to pay for doing last minute work. gggrr. supposedly i drew all these histological structures one after each practical class. now all the work piled up in a bunch and you're just tediously exhausted. pfffttt.

anyways, as i'm slowly passing my time slowly sketching these drawings, i thought i might listen to some songs or play a movie--and make it watch me? herher, naaah, i tuned in to Nouman Ali Khan instead. As in my last post about dealing with quran, i have decided to 'upgrade' my method and purpose of reciting Quran --to study and understand and live by what our Quran teaches. Coincidentally i just khatam the Quran, and now starting again at surah Al Baqarah. i recited 1 page, and watched brother Nouman's tafseer on the page accordingly. I will not move on until i'm satisfied with my understanding and i've acquired the knowledge of what Allah wants from me as He has revealed to me these ayaats.

I strongly suggest every muslim to be doing this, or anything better than just blindly reciting Quran. At this very 'akhir zaman', where the good and bad, right and wrong gets mixed up, leaving us confused and fragile to the very minute yet massive impact from the attacks of syaitan and the world itself, it is very much our utmost and only resort to secure a rightful, also shielded, path towards Allah.

so a few things i learned from the first few pages of Al-Baqarah, it is about 'the hypocrites' or 'munafiq', one of which who acknowledged the fact that they are so and one who doesn't even realize, that they are a munafiq. and it could happen to any one of us with the very-very weak iman we have instilled in ourselves.

The No.1 sign of a munafiq (in this surah) :

A LIAR.

DO NOT tell a lie! don't ever-ever do so thinking nobody would knew, thinking you could get away with something by telling something that is not true. The idea in it of itself is a direct form of refute to our belief, acceding that Allah is not the All-Knower--He is not aware of our lie, and that He is not in power over everything--He is incapable to punish us for it. Altogether certifying that you do not believe, you do not FEAR that He is our one and only Almighty Lord. 

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A WHITE LIE (quoted from Brother Nouman).

Don't bargain truth with a white lie. common example, i  walked in class late and the teacher asked me about it, and i had to muster every ounce of idea left in my brain to talk my way against the fact that i deliberately or not, woke up late. if i can't afford to stand up for my mistake--then please do avoid doing so! stop making late entrance to class! haven't i been taught enough already, am i not in clear consciousness of how Muslims are people of dignity, people of responsibility, the best that any human can be, because they are in constant awareness of Allah ?  :(

It does sound tiny and petty to me, but with this small issue even we ourselves can't handle , we are tolerating the basic building brick of Islam, we are losing Islam. whether its inch by inch, meter by meter, we are losing it. and then we had to whine on how people steal our slippers--at the masjid! how a best friend betrayed our trust. and then how things doesn't go right for us and we end up secretly blaming Allah for it. and further on we question why most muslim countries are chaotic, where is their Islam? and we even get a chance to wonder why other muslims, our friends, our neighbors whoever, are not good muslims as we are? yes its what we do best at. putting the blame, the spotlight on other people's flaws. when we always had the chance to do good, to make a change ourselves. pffffffffffftttt.

Stop saying "its okay, its a small sin". say instead "IT'S SIN, AND ITS NOT OKAY!"
make. a. change.

everybody makes mistakes. it's fitrah. but its not when we live in denial of that mistake, when we cover it up at other people's expense, for our own privilege.  to be perfect is impossible but it doesn't give you a reason to stop trying. and it's never too late. Stopping myself from asking a friend next to me a hint of 1 tiny question, even if when other people around me is cheating in that hall, may seem insignificant, but i have to insist myself on this, on the account that the knowledge has come to me, and i have a responsibility to act upon it. i bare responsibility to Allah. i don't want to cheat or lie anymore. Allah please help me.

لاَ كَبِيْرَةَ مَعَ الاِسْتِغْفَارِ وَ لاَ صَغِيْرَةَ مَعَ الإِصْرَارِ

“Tidak ada dosa besar jika dihapus dengan istighfar (meminta ampun pada Allah) dan tidak ada dosa kecil jika dilakukan terus menerus.”

Nabiku, Muhammad SAW

i thought i wanted to share something i find interesting about the basic characters of my Nabi saw yang kita boleh tiru as we go through our everyday life. tak kenal maka tak cinta! ehe. ehe. i took some of the points i like from here. you can read a LOT more of Nabi saw at that blog :)

Nabi saw bila menoleh dengan semua badannya, pandangannya sering ke bumi, kelihatan baginda lebih banyak melihat ke arah bumi daripada melihat ke atas langit, jarang baginda memerhatikan sesuatu dengan terlalu lama, selalu berjalan beriringan dengan sahabat-sahabatnya, selalu memulakan salam kepada siapa yang ditemuinya (malaysia kalau bagi salam kat orang tak kenal mesti dia kasi sama kita muka pelik kan? haa sangat berbeza dari budaya di egypt)

  

senantiasa membesarkan nikmat walaupun kecil, tidak pernah mencela nikmat apa pun atau terlalu memujinya.

Baginda tidak pernah marah untuk dirinya, atau membela sesuatu untuk kepentingan dirinya, (kita pula terbalik. kalau hal yang melibatkan diri la gila2 nak marah, bila libat orang lain, atau Islam, kita takde lah api sgt aaan), bila mengisyarat diisyaratkan dengan semua telapak tangannya, (tak macam kita k, guna jari telunjuk tu) dan bila baginda merasa takjub dibalikkan telapak tangannya, dan bila berbicara dikumpulkan tangannya dengan menumpukan telapak tangannya yang kanan pada ibu jari tangan kirinya (yang ni cam menarikkan ?), dan bila baginda marah baginda terus berpaling dari arah yang menyebabkan ia marah, dan bila baginda gembira dipejamkan matanya (comelnya Nabi! saw :)), kebanyakan ketawanya ialah dengan tersenyum.

Baginda senantiasa bersikap pertengahan (Ya Allah ajarkanlah kami, faham kan kami akan sikap pertengahan seperti Nabi kami saw) dalam segala perkara, tidak banyak membantah.

Rasulullah SAW tidak duduk dalam sesuatu majelis, atau bangun daripadanya, melainkan baginda berzikir kepada Allah SWT baginda tidak pernah memilih tempat yang tertentu, dan melarang orang meminta ditempatkan di suatu tempat yang tertentu. (sangat bertentangan dengan pemerintah2 zaman sekarang. lagi dia ada kuasa lagi nak VVVVVVVVVVIP seat dengan seberapa banyak V yang mungkin-.-)

tidak banyak bergurau atau beromong kosong segera melupakan apa yang tiada disukainya, tidak pernah mengecewakan orang yang berharap kepadanya, tidak suka menjadikan orang berputus asa. Sangat jelas dalam perilakunya tiga perkara yang berikut. Baginda tidak suka mencela orang dan memburukkannya. Baginda tidak suka mencari-cari keaiban orang dan tidak berbicara mengenai seseorang kecuali yang mendatangkan faedah dan menghasilkan pahala. (fikirlah sebelum bicara !)

Baginda tertawa bila dilihatnya mereka tertawa, dan baginda merasa takjub bila mereka merasa takjub. Baginda selalu bersabar bila didatangi orang badwi yang seringkali bersifat kasar dan suka mendesak ketika meminta sesuatu daripadanya tanpa mahu mengalah atau menunggu, sehingga terkadang para sahabatnya merasa jengkel dan kurang senang, tetapi baginda tetap menyabarkan mereka dengan berkata: "Jika kamu dapati seseorang yang perlu datang, hendaklah kamu menolongnya dan jangan menghardiknya!". Baginda juga tidak mengharapkan pujian daripada siapa yang ditolongnya, dan kalau mereka mau memujinya pun, baginda tidak menggalakkan untuk berbuat begitu. Baginda tidak pernah memotong bicara sesiapa pun sehingga orang itu habis berbicara, lalu barulah baginda berbicara, atau baginda menjauh dari tempat itu.

  

Suka membuat yang baik-baik dan melaksanakannya untuk kepentingan ummat dalam hal-ehwal mereka yang berkaitan dengan dunia mahupun akhirat, agar dapat dicontohi oleh yang lain. Baginda meninggalkan yang buruk, agar dijauhi dan tidak dibuat oleh yang lain. (Don't blame the world, blame ourselves. cuz we are not showing off good examples to people)

Moga kita dapat beramal. Moga Allah ingatkan kita, beri petunjuk kepada kita, tentang sifat pertengahan Nabi saw, mengikut garisan pertengahan(keseimbangan) yang diajar agama kita. Moga Allah jadikan kita yang beramal dengan ilmuNya. Moga Allah menjadikan kita yang beramal keranaNya.

Randomness.

Bila dalam hati tak ada Allah. Hati terus jadi kosong. Bila hati kosong, benda lain datang nak penuhkan. and yang lain selain dari Allah itu, mengotorkan. 

oh dear heart, you're feeling so vulnerable and clinging, you're at your weakest point. nothing will ever feel right. maybe i could eat that scrumptious tiramisu dalam fridge sambil watch a thrilling funny mat salleh movies or layan tengok romantic korean series. maybe i can call up a few friends for a chill. or spend on things i like. maybe i can just enjoy a relaxing soundless sleep. but you know what, to think of it, it all doesn't seem fulfilling to me. 

people barely understand--they hurt you, movies end--and you still have real life to face, materials degrade--you'll lose interest, food ends up as feces down your anus, segala apa lah yang menyeronokkan sangat tu mampu membahagiakan hanya SEKEJAP. and you will never feel enough, thus you get enslaved. how low and helpless humans are. FREE BUT IMPRISONED.

it's just like when you have Allah you have everything, so when you lose Allah, you have nothing. that wondrous peace He puts inside your heart, when your day starts at 2 am prostrating in tahajjud, glorifying your Lord in acknowledgement of His existence, crying your heart out, spilling them out in the silent night. one on one with Him, surrendering and feeling heard and accepted in an embrace. and then each move you take feels light, each decision feels right, the greatest of things are a treasure, the hardest are pleasure. empowered in grace and might. its victory subhanAllah. a victory unfortunately you always fail to hold on to for so long.

..........

you know one thing about myself. i'm not a big fan of vacationing/sightseeing/holidaying or any sort. i don't know it's like, by the end of the day i just wanna get back to the hotel room, in the room i just wanted to lie on my comfy bed home, and finally at home there's this massive laundry to settle -.- harhar. 

you can roam to spain, england, where ever and get all fancy y'know but you'll feel NOWHERE! without that one person that matters beside you. and when with that one person, you'd feel you're already EVERYWHERE! cuz anywhere won't make a difference anymore. haaaaaaaaa deep kan? that is:

 how valuable love is and how invaluable everything else gets. 

i remembered my last days in malaysia. i was spending time with my ex in...in Central Market. ha. ha. tak. ada. kerja. (the last place on earth i'd want to go) but it was definitely, ya Allah, the best moments ever and you don't want it to end. SubhanAllah Rabbi, 

it taught me love. it taught me to want to love You like that. 

even more than that if possible. so unconditional. so pure. beautiful..

...........

Woooii banyaknya berdrama harini. herher. first mood of writing was like that. now by its ending dah well like this pula hmmm bueheh so nope i don't sleep very much on beds i prefer the floor more. dunno where i got it. vacationing best laa koot insyaAllah dgn suami i suatu hari yang indah nanti bahahhaa. and no...CM wasn't that blissful as how it sounded pfft---tolong lah faham--bila i berdrama! segalanya extravaganza! ha.ha.ha.  

Allah's "Something Better"

i just got back from class. and i have decided, (in which i've always decided stuffs but never really successfully work on it anywaysss) i wanted to write! i wanna write write write like how i used to do so in high schoool years. but problem is, i dont know what to write about?.....haha! tipuuuuuuu! ada lotsa stuffs thats came across my mind and i'd rather not talk it out to people, and wished to write about it but never ended up so due to time availability constrictions heheh except for today. 

anyways. i wanted to share about this kakak. she was practically like me, before, she wasn't in much of an understanding of our Deen, dia free hair dulu, suddenly masuk sekolah agama and it sloooowwwly changed her. now dia pakai purdah. eheeemmm comel sangaaaat eee. Dia sangat baik, decent and generous. she can spend like hundreds on us, belanja kitorang just for the sake of us getting ilmu. 

Dulu she had a boyfie, that boyfie of hers, was seorang anak datuk (wow. mungkin handsome lagi). and he proposed to her, that time she was already towards her hijrah, the engagement lasted for a few months until she called it off as to sound reasons that her fiance is not anymore a good influence on her. her reasons are solid, but you can't deny the fact that it takes a lot of courage and strength and sacrifice to actually break free from years of zaman sekolah relationship with a person. and she chose what was right. unlike me, my hijrah is more of Allah's 100% will, there wasn't literally a choice, and i thank Allah so much for His divine light in this.

and now it's been years i guess, tell you what, a handsome, tall, arab, ustaz is into her! heheh the story was so funny where he was a cikgu sementara ape entah (mungkin bahasa arab), first time she saw him she went like: (she literally meant talking to herself thinking he wouldn't understand)

 "oh kacaknya" 

To her surprise, he replied: 

"saya faham bahasa melayu" 

(wooooooi! i went like that when she told me about it haha). plus he is now working as an imam somewhere in England. So now they are mutual friends sometimes in contact and he has her parents' number, already asking about her opinions on marriage blablabla. let's pray the best for her shall we? heheh

all i can say is, what in the blue moon!  ingat senang ke nak jumpa pak arab hensem pandai cakap melayu and utama sekali,seorang yang beragama! (irony is seriously, egyptians, at least those around me, tidak mencerminkan Islam sebenar. They have problems conversing in english plus). And ya Allah, to think of his genes, your future zuriat mesti comel2 eeeee :D

sweetnyeeew lah!

What i learned from this is that, subhanAllah. you take care of yourself, Allah, He will take care of you. work on yourself become a good practicing muslimah, sacrifice, and drown ourselves not in the waves of Dunya, but Allah's orders and will, He will complete you. He will reward you, something EVEN better, insyaAllah.

اَلْخـَبِيـْثــاَتُ لِلْخَبِيْثـِيْنَ وَ اْلخَبِيْثُــوْنَ لِلْخَبِيْثاَتِ وَ الطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلطَّيِّبِيْنَ وَ الطَّيِّبُوْنَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ.

“ Wanita-wanita yang tidak baik untuk laki-laki yang tidak baik, dan laki-laki yang tidak baik adalah untuk wanita yang tidak baik pula. Wanita yang .baik untuk lelaki yang baik dan lelaki yang baik untuk wanita yang baik. (An Nur:26)

and this does not only regard life partners but EVERYTHING, every opportunity of choices you make.

أَقْرِضُوا اللَّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا وَمَا تُقَدِّمُوا لأنْفُسِكُمْ مِنْ خَيْرٍ تَجِدُوهُ عِنْدَ اللَّهِ هُوَ خَيْرًا وَأَعْظَمَ أَجْرًا وَاسْتَغْفِرُوا اللَّهَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ غَفُورٌ رَحِيمٌ٠)

"...berikanlah pinjaman kepada Allah pinjaman yang baik. Dan kebaikan apa saja yang kamu perbuat untuk dirimu niscaya kamu memperoleh (balasan)nya di sisi Allah sebagai balasan yang paling baik dan yang paling besar pahalanya. Dan mohonlah ampunan kepada Allah; sesungguhnya Allah Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Penyayang." (QS. 73:20)

HIJRAH LILLAH

Everyday, every second, is a preparation for life in the hereafter.
Dunya is too insignificant to worth an effort.
Allah, with only Him, is the key to Dunya and Akhira'.


Thus so, 


TRAIN and PROJECT your heart, your mind, your needs, your will, your actions, your reflex, PROSTRATING to Allah, SERVING Allah! 

• Jaga SOLAT DIAWAL WAKTU sebaik habis waktu azan. Jaga zikir & ma'thurat selepas solat. Jaga qadha'/sunat(tahajud,fajar, dhuha,selepas isya')Jaga ibadah kepada Tuhanmu yang telah di perintahkan kepadamu. Nescaya Allah menjaga dirimu, hatimu, rezekimu, kehidupanmu, sebagaimana telah dijanjikan Allahkepadamu.

"Manusia berusaha kepada perkara yang telah dijamin untuknya (mencari rezeki) tetapilalai dari perkara yang dituntut keatasnya (ibadah kepada Allah).  Percayakah kita pada Allah dan Janji Allah?Kita jaga Hak Allah, Allah jaga Kita." 

• Adapt to be an EARLY PERSON! Do not sleep after subuh, get my shower by 7am and start to get ready by then.  Sit in front row of class. Try very hard to pay full attention in class. My sleeping in class habit is worsening astaghfirullah! :( sometimes I just can't help it. O Allah...

• Maintain a 'SMILING' attitude all the time. Live life in Syukr Lillah, contented in however way, whatever circumstances. Never stop Glorifying Allah.

• QURAN Hafal one ayaat from the surah youre memorizing reciting it at least 3-10times. Recite Quran after Subuh sunnah Nabiku SAW.

• STUDY and revise everyday, masyaAllah. Its your obligation to Allah, to your parents. Pleeeaassse farhah! And if youre doing it for exams, humans, forget it! Astaghfirullah you don’t want to be a dummy with eyes but cant see. There shall be No cause but ALLAH. Everything is of NO VALUE but ALLAH. YOUR ALLAH!

•  Allowed to go ONLINE after asar until Magrib/Isya'. Must watch 1 meditating/ilmiyah video. Must read 1 chapter of Hadis book.

•  CRUNCHES every day for better abs! become healthy, pretty muslimah farhah! Get one of those jumping rope. Do these in morning/evening

•  Movies only minimum ONCE@TWICE /week (apa? AT LEAST i set a limit kan;)

Become a goodmuslim, a good servant of Allah. Reflect upon Nabi SAW on yourself. The hakikatof yourself, is Your SOUL. And it is in love with your Allah, deprived of your Lord, longing for itscreator. help it please. Help yourself. SAVE YOUR SOUL.