Yet another breakdown, again

I can't handle serious things right now i just. Dont. Feel. Like it. I'd rather sleep and smell my hair, laugh, eat, watch a movie, shout my lungs out singing songs in the toilet. Thats right im living like a miserable life again by acting as if im not but feeling as if i am when the fact is, not. For gods sake there are A LOT of important, meaningful, beneficial things thats literally screaming for you to work on them! And when i realize this i would stop and still cant find that strength. Then i'd have to go through another breakdown. Geez. What do you think your life is worth ?????

And i don't feel like studying. When its really for real the most important thing to do right now. For my parents. For the people. For Allah.

Dont know what i want. Dunno how to get supposed things to feel right. Dunno where to start. Cant find that momentum, the melody.

I feel like a fake. So weak. In duas i'd cry so hard and hoped so much and i can feeel it coming the want and energy to do whats right and get serious cmon cmon, feel the spirit attain that peace again. But the moment after, lost. again.

Its really tiring :(

And dissappointing :(

And embarassing :(

Ya Allah its true. You dont have to prepare a whole army of men and weapons to destroy. My heart. Is the matter between Your Fingers. A little twist and here i am, at my weakest most fragile point.

Ini semua ujian kan? Syaitan yang ganggu hati ni. Atau Kesusahan yang bermaksud sebagai kifarah dosa.

I feel so weak. And lost. I cant tell it to anyone im ashamed to claim how lame i am. They wont understand. even i dont in exact. But its keeping me from doing whats right. Its holding me back from my duty and responsibility to myself, to my parents, to other people, to You.

I feel empty in this big space. I dont like sleeping alone. And not seeing people near me. When i get to do whatever i want and no one has to care. It makes my nafsu membuak2 dgn kemalasan and main2. I want to talk and reach out. Feel somekind of magical support. I need a push. An awakening.

Am i asking too much ya Allah? I'm ungrateful yes? I am so selfish.

Forgive me. But it still seemed like a dead end for me. I dont know what to do. I don't have anyone else :(

Isnt there anyone out there going through the same i am. Anyone who understands. And help me, keep me in my path.

Ya Allah, pabila Nabi Musa as bisa dengan kebesaran dan kemurahanMu memohon dijadikan Nabi Harun sebagai temannya supaya diteguhkan kekuatannya demi melaksanakan perintahMu dan bersama-sama membesarkanMu.