Magic lost :(

7 days into ramadhan and I......am crumbling in defeat.......aahh.  I was so sure and confident and positive that I could do it, i could make it the other day... It is, my last ramadhan in Mesir...

So someone said during iftar tadi "malasnya aduh kenapa malas ni. Ada tak org yang rasa macam ni.."

Dalam hati aku, me!!!

But she in the end still, went for terawihh. Ahh. That moment, she is such a hero.

And i, skipped it. I was soo arrogant I turn down zara who insisted me to come join tarawih.

Jahatnya farhah ni. Lusa exam. Tak study. Bertambah2 jahat.....speechless. and I will regret these moments I know...i know...

The magic is there. Is for us, it's given to us. But we have to fight to maintain it. I'm not a good fighter. No where near!

...........................

So it got from being enlightened to sheerer and vague and then lost...

I think i can tell of the reasons....light has entered most hearts in beginning of ramadhan..but the actions I take feeding the heart with Dunia slightly and then more and then more until it can no more accommodate light.....it can no more be deserving of light......the light that can enforce people to be a good fighter, is now gone.

I dont know how people do it. They keep it balanced. They took a sip of Dunia while keeping to their duties and thanking God along and knowing when to stop.

We are actually allowed for so so much of life there are no limits, as long as you put it in your hands not in your heart. It's awesome really.

But for me? I don't know how to do that. I just like what I like and I dont care less. And then the soul becomes uneasy and I get faced with inner conflicts finding it hard to reconcile. I detest myself for what I stupidly selfishly keeeeeeppp on repeating....

What's gonna happen in the future? I am most scared.......of myself!