Change

Currently sitting with my back against a closed lecture hall door. Distant voice of like an awesome lecturer, teaching on Trauma Care. I am sore. I want to be in there.

I was never early. Luckily doctors arent always too. Except for days like today, my luck ran out. Late 30 mins and am too scared to enter a lecture hall full of watching eyes and of course, the doctor's almost eagle eyes which i dont want to disappoint... (like if you sincerely feel that way shouldn't you just get your ass down here early instead?)

Blurgh.

Tell you the truth, it never came to me every night without the thought of "Farhah, esok kau bangun awal. Force your damn ass up the moment you open your eyes. DO NOT SNOOZE THE ALARM. Cut off on sleep. Get up and exercise and pray and read quran and get ready early so you can iron clothes right and do makeup properly (yes!). And head off to class 30 mins earlier, enjoy the walk admiring the beautiful sky, smile to people, be contented and grateful......arrive to class earlier than the doctor so you can catch up on a little revision......what a wonderful day to start withhh!!!!!"

Aahhh. How simple yet so impossible to stick to for a weak willed like me :(

Yes. My every night wish runs not farther than an imagination. Paling awal aku pernah sampai kelas is 9.10am. For a class starting at 9.00. Am not impressed.

To tell you some more truth. I like sleeping (which everyone knows i guess). Not in a way that i sleep whenever i can, but whenever i do sleep i never get up on the first wake. And i resort to sleeping whenever im having my bad days. Once i went crazy and slept for 20 hours straight.

But to tell you some more truth, i hated it :( I do not the least approve of my behaviour. I hate it after sleeping too much. The only annoying thing thats keeping me from my goals. So when conscience kicks in, I can also not sleep for 48 hours straight!

Yes, my love-hate relationship with sleep.......

The idea of a perfect life, the perfect person that i wish to be someday..if i can summarize it to one thing, it is to sleep 5 hours max or less!

I go about thinking, "Life is short. With so many things to do so many to achieve and accomplish. Make use of your time alive doing productive things instead of sleeping. Use all the opportunity there is to read, learn for the better of yourself to promote self growth to not die a useless death... Live a healthy lifestyle--clean, cook, keep up with your gym routine. Everybody knows how there is no meaning to dunia except with the aim of akhirah. So instead of watching useless kpop n makeup tutorials, tune into ceramah videos which you were a big fan of once. Start back on your quranic studies and memorization, pray early on time with sunat prayers and yes laugh with your friends, watch a movie sometimes--explore life's perspectives.. at least get doing things and NOT sleep......"

My problem is. I know what i want but im having trouble committing to it...what i want is too far from who ive been these many years that a little epiphany at some moments of awakening cant really make 360 deg absolute change in me.

And since im always falling behind my expectations, my confidence shattered. It felt like im being laughed at. Embarrassed. It felt impossible. Its so simple yet feels impossible that i cant help but doubt........can i ever change? Be different live differently?

Of course its only fair to start a good day with an early sleep the night before but no...im not the robot type to do the same things exactly at the same time everyday. Things come by and so, i'll say no, no matter how late i slept in...i will wake up early. I can and i will! (Of course i managed so in a few days only to afterwards drift to my usual no discipline life routine..........)

Soo. I dont know. Keep going back and forth like this...semangat then tak semangat... rajin then malas...in the expense of too much time wasted...and no efficient progress...huuuuuuuuh.